I know you are super busy, so I went ahead and wrote your New Year's Resolutions for you. No need to thank me, I'm just helpful that way. Here you go:
This year, I (state your name) resolve to:
A. Eat less/healthier.
B. Be more physically active.
C. Live more in the moment.
D. Have more patience with my family.
E. All of the above.
If you chose A continue here:
Having resolved to eat less/healthier, I (state your name) also resolve to kick (choose one) evil sugar/evil fat/empty and evil carbs since evil ____________ is basically a delicious gateway drug that, while it has always been there for me, is actually more like an abusive husband/wife/romantic partner who wants to control me and make me think I can't live without him/her. My life belongs to me, evil ______!
If you chose B continue here:
Having resolved to be more physically active, I (state your name) also resolve to (choose one) use the gym membership that I purchased and used twice and feel really bad about/use the piece of exercise equipment that I purchased and used twice and is taking up half of my bedroom/do lunges and push ups because everyone says they are really good for me but are actually really hard and unpleasant and not nearly as delightful as empty and evil carbs (aka ice cream). I WILL BE a model of healthy living that people look at and sort of hate/envy/admire at the same time.
If you chose C continue here:
Having resolved to live more in the moment, I (state your name) also resolve to not spend all day (choose one) checking my phone/watching Dr. Who during my every free moment (unless I am also using the piece of exercise equipment that I purchased and used twice; see above)/spend every moment thinking about the desserts that I will never have again now that I am basically a sad--but thin--shell of a person who can only eat, like, kale. I will meditate and appreciate plants and stuff, and I will not fixate on how unconvinced I am about the virtue of kale.
If you chose D continue here:
Having resolved to have more patience with my family, I (state your name) also resolve to no longer (choose one) curse at family members even when, really, they deserve plenty of cursing piled right on them/scream and storm about and yell, "EVERYTHING I GODDAMN DO IS FOR YOU SO CAN'T YOU GODDAMN SHUT THE HELL UP!"/grab remote out of family members' hands and yell, "WE'RE WATCHING DR. WHO BECAUSE I GODDAMN WANT TO AND YOU'VE BEEN WATCHING THE DIRECTOR'S COMMENTARY FOR LORD OF THE RINGS FOR TWELVE HOURS SO I THINK I SHOULD GET TO CHOOSE SOMETHING TO WATCH EVERY GODDAMN ONCE IN A WHILE!" Having become calm oasis of unflappable kindness and clarity, I will be model parent who other people all want to be like and think of with slight chagrin yet also awe.
If you chose E continue here:
The ice cream in the freezer. We'll try again next year.