Five Keys to Maintaining Zen-like Calm in the Midst of Chaos

Well friends, you know I am all about stress-free living, what with my everything is bullshit and all that matters is love and my Kumbaya let me find you a goddess or read your tarot cards, and my let's all just have some chocolate and wine in my special meditation/wine-drinking/far enough from the house that you can't hear anyone yelling zone.

So I want you to listen to me and believe me when I tell you how to totally own a zen-like life when you are crazy busy with work and driving a million places and trying to keep everyone in relationship with one another, etcetera, etcetera, fill in the blanks of your own personal cocktail of chaos.

To maintain totally zen-like calm in the midst of chaos you must:

1. Think positive. For example, the next time you need to get your hair cut, don't think of it as an annoying errand that is eating away at your precious time, but think of it instead as a mini spa day that will nourish your soul! Think of the hair wash as a sort of massage and totally don't worry about your neck being pushed back into the small of your back and the fact that you feel like you are a chicken about to have its neck broken. As for the blowdryers, think of them as a refreshing sound scape reminiscent of beach sounds or tornadoes.

2. Multi-task. Here's a way to kill two birds with one stone: clean your house. It's nature's way of staying fit. All that bending! all that stretching! As with any new regime, at first you will be all, "Oh, I hate this; it's so boring," but--believe me--once you find your zone, you'll be an addict. You'll be all, "Oh, I can't wait to go home from my long day at the office and get my heart pumping with some serious vacuuming!" Soon, all your friends will be like, "You are so looking good!" and you'll be all, "Yeah. Meet my trainer, Mr. Hoover."

3. Put away your electronics and get down to business. Electronics are totally time sucks. Your digital scale, for example. Put that shit away.

4. Prioritize! People! Seriously! Do I really have to tell you that you should not have fun writing on your little blog until you have graded that seriously boring and increasingly larger stack of papers that is sitting not even two feet away? Work before pleasure. Did you not get the memo? And no. Dthis before you grade those papers either. Because that would totally be irresponsible of me--I mean you. So there.
on't look at

5. Delegate. Seriously. Does someone want to come grade these papers for me?


Cathy Perlmutter said...

Tornados? Orinoco? LOL. Can't breathe.

Petrea Burchard said...

Don't look at this either.

Kim Stcharles said...

Lol! I love your wit and your perspective. Just filled out several pages of new patient paperwork for an appointment a month away. Beats cleaning, although Mr. Dyson is pretty awesome. I'll grade papers for you; it's more fun to grade someone else's class than your own :-)

altadenahiker said...

I think I get what you're saying. It's like my property tax bill that's been sitting around for a week now. I told myself -- I can write the check, stamp the envelope, post it today, and then forget this ever happened. Or I can leave the bill on the kitchen table for the next month and look at it every single morning while I butter the toast. (The check is in the mail; my mornings have improved.)

Ms M said...

Such excellent advice.
I think we should all pitch in and rent a boat. And go floating.
But then we shouldn't think about things like this, or Orinoco Flow, or Old Spice. Too distracting. Time suck....

Pasadena Adjacent said...

My zen state is reached drinking cheap liquor and watching videos of cats riding vacuums.

Star said...

I so needed this. Wonderful. Thanks!

Ann Erdman said...

Your tip about the digital scale is my new #1 "must." This could change my life!