All the News that's Fit to print

"In a bid to save millions of dollars in annual costs, The New York Times plans to eliminate several weekly sections, with other parts of the newspaper absorbing some of the content, Bill Keller, the executive editor, said on Thursday."

In a separate bid to save millions of dollars, Keller announced that the New York Times will henceforth be known as "The Carls Jr. Times." In keeping with the synergy of this exciting branding opportunity, Keller added that starting May 10, the paper will be the subject of an exciting new reality program on the CW network. Hosted by popular Carls Jr. Spokesman/hottie/food channel personality Padme Lakshmi, this program will focus on ten cub reporters who must fight to death to keep their jobs. "Think 'Gladiator' meets 'The Office' meets 'Dancing with the Stars,'" explained Keller. Titled "Fit to Print," the program will feature reporters in aerobic/modeling competitions that show how important fitness(hotness) is to writing news that is fit to print. In addition, reporters will have the opportunity to mud wrestle with today's top news personalities, including Octomom and Kim il Jong.

In other cost saving moves, Keller notes that the style section will be combined with the "Carl's Jr. Food section," which has the noble mission of taking the stigma out of obesity. Travel writers will be replaced with monkeys and international news will be replaced with pictures of kittens.