9/17/09

Dear Carbs: You Callow Donut

Krispy Kreme doughnuts being made at the Krisp...Image via Wikipedia

Dear Carbs:

I think you know what this is about. I saw you at Trader Joe's yesterday. There you were, chilling with the cinnamon roles, flirting with that cheap-looking girl in the white tank top. She stared long and hard at you, the lust in her eyes shining brighter than her day-glo blue eye shadow. She picked you up, put you in her cart, put you back on the shelf, walked a few steps and then pirouetted around, stretched out her arm and grabbed you good and tight.

I know I was the one who broke things off between us, so you might not think I have any right to say this, but I'm saying it anyway. You are one callow donut. You are are all glazed and beautiful on the outside, but on the inside you are as sensitive and deep as the little air pockets that puff you up.

Two weeks! Fourteen days! I have mourned for you! I have been reduced to snacking on SUNFLOWER SEEDS! For dessert I'm eating CELERY! Last night I had a "spicy pork burger" with no fricking bun!

And you...you flaccid ball of dough, you are running off with tank-top girl and her disco eyes. Like I never even mattered. Like I meant nothing to you.

I bet that slut is licking your sweet icing right now.

FINE. Fine. Be that way. I don't need you. I have my new BFF "carb watchers" no-sugar added ice cream to keep me warm. So there! You can just rot in hell for all I care.

God, I miss you, you big jerk.
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29 comments:

Cafe Observer said...

Actually, I was picked up by the Fresh & Easy gals over near Lake & California. They gave the canine a nice petting.

But, I still think of you each day, MF, as I eat my pastries.

inkywasfat said...

Oh, Margaret. I love it when you pine for the carbs. It's just delicious reading.

... daisy... said...

Ahahahahahaahhahaha... Margaret YOU ARE BRILLIANT!!!! :-DDD

Bec said...

Two weeks - you're great! flaccid dough . . . too vivid of an image . . . ahhhh

Susan C said...

Oh, you are desperate. If you're going to lust after a donut, I say go all the way to Donut Man in Glendora.

PaperTurtle said...

LOL...LOL...LOL! :o)

Margaret said...

Susan: I am soooo over donuts! Why do I need donuts when I have endive instead of bread?

Linda Dove said...

Speaking as the bacon poet, I don't think awwwnndeeeve ever inspired great love poetry. Now, donuts on the other hand....

Jean Spitzer said...

Are you really eating no sugar added ice cream? What is that? Just frozen whipped fat?

Jean Spitzer said...

P.S. If you're going to have a donut, I recommend Bob's in the original Farmers market on Fairfax in LA.

pasadenaadjacent said...

there's always holy mackeral for dinner

Margaret said...

Linda: do you have a donut poem?

Jean: The no sugar ice cream is sweetened by Splenda, which the dietician says we can have in small doses.

Margaret said...

Linda: do you have a donut poem?

Jean: The no sugar ice cream is sweetened by Splenda, which the dietician says we can have in small doses.

Margaret said...

PA: Yes, I'm stuck with mackeral.

AH: That is it exactly. Great song.

Margaret said...

PA: Yes, I'm stuck with mackeral.

AH: That is it exactly. Great song.

Lynne said...

This was so funny, I loved it!

The answer to your sugar problem might be Truvia. I saw it on Martha Stewart, it's completely natural and safe. It's made from the sevia (spelling???) plant but it's so sweet they barely need any so even diabetics can use. They have a chart that tells you how much Truvia you use instead of sugar. I think you should check it out!

Petrea said...

There's a deep, psychological reason why you posted your donut poem comment and your mackerel comment twice.

Salty peanuts! You should have those. You can have those, can't you? They're like little buttons of love.

Unseen Rajasthan said...

Wow you are so knowledgeable...I always appreciate your writing skills!! Great..Unseen Rajasthan

Desiree said...

Hmmm---how about sticky sweet alcoholic drinks for dessert? Your children couldn't possibly feel deprived over that---

Shell Sherree said...

Hahahahahaha!! I see the carbs deficit hasn't had a negative impact on your humour output, Margaret. You are hilarious!!

elizabeth said...

Take it easy, Finn! Have a nice Fillet Mignon. Good for the blood and "make you strong- like bull!"

Deborah Thomas said...

I personally love the meringues that come in plastic tubs at Trader Joe's. It doesn't get much sweeter, and there is always the egg white for protein. . . . I would think that children might be suspicious of them, too.

altadenahiker said...

wow, you get downright dirty when you're jonesing.

Laurie said...

I hear ya, sister. When I discovered my wheat allergy, pasta and I had a most devastating breakup.

Margaret said...

Petrea: You may be right, bit I don't know why it posted twice. I wonder if this one will post twice too.

Dez: Yes, sweet alcohol. That might be the way to drown my sorrow.

Elizabeth: I think your advice is the best of all. Good for the blood! And make me strong...like bull. How can I not want that.

Deborah: My kids know all about the meringues, so I don't think that one will work. Really, my only hope is cheating.

Laurie: I am weeping for you. I am missing pasta too. In fact, that might the hardest thing we've given up.

gaelikaa said...

Terrific

Italo said...

CIAMBELLINE MON AMOUR!!!!!!!!

ScrewedUp20Something said...

May I suggest some fruit instead of celery for dessert? Definitly more satisfying and plenty of good vitamins and nutrients.

Poconoangel said...

I just love reading your blogs! They always make me chuckle! What a great way to end a stressful day! --Write on! More power to you!