9/28/09

Goddess of the Week: Uke-Mochi

Bibimbop  비빔밥 Reads HaikuImage by moriza via Flickr

Oh, goddess of food,
Deliver me from chicken
Unless stuffed with cheese.

A haiku for this week's goddess: Uke-Mochi, the Japanese goddess of food. If she can't help us, we're doomed.

Here's the story: One day the storm god Susano-Wo drops by Uke-Mochi's house totally uninvited. He's all, "Hey, Uke-Mochi, What's for dinner."

Yeah. Right. Total doofus. But what's she going to do? Kick him out? She's the goddess of food. This is her immortal life. The problem is, she's got nothing in her house. She's hasn't been to the market in days. Her refrigerator has soy sauce and a half-eaten can of sardines. Still, she's a goddess, so she can improvise. She says, "Uhhhh...leftovers." Then she pulls porridge from her nose, California rolls from her mouth, and rice from her ass.

Unfortunately, in addition to being a freeloading doofus, Susano-Wo was also one of those guys who always checks the labels to see where his food is from. He was totally disgusted, despite the fact that everything he was served was locally grown, so he killed her.

The dead Uke-Mochi, however, was all "Thanks a lot bozo. Eat this." Her whole body transformed into a feast for the people of Japan. Rice grew out of her eyes, millet from her ears, red beans from her nose, soy beans from her butt, and wheat from her genitals. Her death allowed the Japanese to thrive, although dining with such an unworthy companion was definitely no picnic for her.

Channel this goddess: When your unworthy dining companions complain -- again -- about your cooking. This is one time you can really mean it when you tell them to stick it up their asses. You can also channel Uke-Mochi when unexpected guests drop by, although might I recommend take out? It's just much easier.

Allison: This one is for you, Haiku and all.

Need a goddess: That's why I'm here. Tell me your need and I'll see what I can find.
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26 comments:

pasadenaadjacent said...

are you using the term haiku as a replacement for high five? clever

Back when I threw parties I had one particular guest repeatedly come out and ask me what i was serving, and who I was inviting before he'd accept my invitation. In my last response to "said guest" I channeled Susano-Wo instead.

Palm Axis said...

these frigging free loading artists

Margaret said...

PA: I am not trying to be clever. It's supposed to be a haiku, but my blog always breaks up text in unpredictable ways. And don't listen to the dig from Palm Axis, she's just difficult sometimes.

Joanne said...

Ooh, doesn't every dinner get-together have just someone who needs a little lesson from Uke-Mochi? Cute story!

Desiree said...

Oh my, you raucous ribald story teller you--absolutely fascinating.
Follow up question: the goddess is immortal, right?
I think this story would cure scatologically obsessed kids.

Margaret said...

Thanks, Joanne.

Dez: These immortality things are difficult. Yes, he killed her and yes, she's still a goddess, but transformed somehow. It's kind of a resurrected into being more powerful than before thing. Think Jesus. Or Obi Wan Kenobi.

Margaret said...

I feel like I need to explain my Haiku because it came out weird. It's supposed to read like this:

Oh, goddess of food,
Deliver me from chicken.
Unless stuffed with cheese.

See? 5-7-5. Does that make more sense? Does it also make more sense if I tell you that I'm absolutely sick of chicken?

inkywasfat said...

I got you haiku, but that's probably because I wrote a poem called "The Writer's Almanac" which laments the way info posted on the computer gets broken in the wrong places, especially poems.

The only people who complain about my cooking are my children. They'd freak out if I told them to "stick it up their asses" . . . oh, maybe that's the point.

altadenahiker said...

Chicken, give me chick
en, but only if deep fri
ed, and with gravy

... daisy... said...

You know what "my" problem about cooking is... although people seems to like it or even love it (when I really concentrate)... I just don't like cooking (actually I dislike it very much!). I prefer eating... :-)
Have a nice evening!
I really am addicted to your blog! :-) Love it!

Bec said...

I like this one . . . wish I knew about her when I was newly married and my husband invited his karate instructor over for dinner. I had been given very little notice, threw together a decent dinner and the guest said, "what? nothing for dessert?"

Margaret said...

Inkywasfat: I'm glad you got it. My kids are the nay-sayers at my home, and, like you, I'd never tell them to stick it up their asses, but I like thinking I'd have the spunk to do so that to someone.

AH: Ok. It's not really fair that you put better haiku's on my blog than me. Stop being so funny.

Daisy: My problem is that I only like to cook cakes and pies and cookies. Dinner? Not so interested.

Bec: Wow! That's some storm god you had over.

... daisy... said...

Yes! Exactly... I love baking... and making puddings... !!!

Linda Dove said...

Yeah, I had one of those storm gods once a long time ago too: responding to a party invite, she asked me if there was going to be anything there she could eat.

She's not my friend anymore. One cloud too many.

kanmuri said...

Great post! Just a detail, tho. You talk about a Japanese goddess, but the food in the picture is Korean. It's called bibimbap.

Miss Havisham's Tea Party said...

And I thought Mochi was a stylish glob of ice cream enveloped in lightly floured and sweetened bean curd. Like eating Oreos, I have a method of consumption:

Chew a hole in the epi
dermis suck out
the ice cream middle goodness

Much better than chicken.

Cafe Pasadena said...

It's good to see more of the loco bloggers covering 2 of my fav subjects: caninies & food!

We were just in the Mitsuwa japanese market in San Gabriel last week. It all looked so good.

Cafe Pasadena said...

I agree the large center bowl does look, from the pic, like korean Bibimbap. I've had it bland in Pasadena, and better in Glendale of all places.

Petrea said...

You all are making me laugh! I guess picky eaters know better than to come to my house unless I'm having a pot luck and I invited all of you.

Did anyone ever see the South Park episode where the kids were all trying to eat by putting food up their butts?

Shell Sherree said...

I'd have given him the soy sauce and half-eaten can of sardines...

Jean Spitzer said...

Wonderful story, comments and --of course--haiku. Now I'm hungry again.

Margaret said...

Kanmuri: Thanks for setting me straight. Never trust the internet, that's all I can say. And since your'e here, maybe I can ask you a question. What does Mochi mean because Miss Havisham is right. There are little ice cream bon bons here called Mochi. What's up with that?

Miss Havisham: Lovely poem. I too, am most intrigued by the edible Mochi.

Petrea: I never saw it, but I am not unaware that I am now a blogger who talks about butts. How humbling.

Shell: Of course, you're right. That's exactly what she should have done.

kanmuri said...

Mochi are basically rice cakes. They are made with a special type of sticky rice and are usually eaten during winter. I like to grill them (they double in size,) wrap them in crispy nori (seaweed) and dip them in soy sauce. Mochi is also used in modern sweets, some are filled with ice cream, others with chocolate.

Unseen Rajasthan said...

I agree with petrea !! Unseen Rajasthan

Margaret said...

Thanks, Kanmura. So Uke-Mochi's very name means sustenance. That's fascinating. I'm so glad that you're around to explain these things.

gaelikaa said...

Well, there's gratitude for you! Some guests are just thankless! Timeless wisdom! (How's my haiku?)