Holiday Eating Tips

Image via WikipediaOk. We're in the thick of things now, people. I'm talking cookies, fudge, cake, egg nog, candy, all your basic sugar-fat holiday death bombs are yours for the taking.

The question is: How can you strategize your gorging? How can you make the most of the many eating opportunities presented to you?

It's all about two little words: shelf life. Exactly what is your window of opportunity for eating things before they get either stale or just plain disgusting? The shorter the window, the sooner you want to attack.

Look at that alcohol-drenched fruitcake from Aunt Winona. That puppy is as pickled as a cucumber. You can hold on to that until Easter. It'll still be good. The trifle from your pal Maisy? The homemade cake from cousin Doug? Double-fist spoons right now. Those things might not make it until lunch. Homemade cookies and fudge? Good news! They taste just as good frozen! So you can parcel them out at your plumping leisure.

Once you've considered shelf life, half the battle to protect your bulge is over, but there is still the greatest danger of all to watch out for: family members. There are two kinds of families: the kind who will eat your special most beloved short-shelf-life apple pie that you have set aside just for yourself to enjoy with a cup of tea at a magical moment of quiet, and those who will leave it alone. If you live with the later, well fa-la-la happy Christmas miracle to you. If you live with the former, either eat fast or disguise your pie by covering it in foil smeared with gravy or marked "broccoli casserole." Cunning must be your friend, otherwise you'll die thin and bitter.

Christmas is the time of miracles, people! Believing that nibbling on small quantities all day long negates their calories since they aren't actually meals makes it so! Also, definitely avoid Grinchy-articles like this. They are clearly part of the anti-Christmas conspiracy. Boo! Hiss!