Beth needs a goddess for dealing with teenagers. Alas, teenagers are so vexing that no goddess will have anything to do with them. But I do have a prophetess for you. Her name is Cassandra, and I predict that she will do.
Cassandra was a beautiful Trojan princess. She was so beautiful that the god Apollo fell in love with her. He decided to give her a gift. One night, when she was sleeping in Apollo's temple, Apollo had a pair of snakes come and lick her ears so clean that she could hear the future. Alas, Cassandra was not impressed and she rebuffed Apollo. Naturally, gods will not put of up with that business, so Apollo decided to punish her and make it so that no one would ever believe her prophesies.
She said to her brother Paris, "Dude, give that Helen chick back to her husband. It will end badly."
But no one believed her, so--wham--the Trojan war.
She said to her father, the King of Troy, "That big wooden horse is full of soldiers. Burn it."
But he was all, "No way. It's a present from the gods for me because I am awesome." And what happened? Wham--Troy was destroyed.
Ok, I hate to break it to you, Beth, but you are pretty much Cassandra. Years of experience have licked your ears clean and given you the ability to accurately predict your teenager's future, but it doesn't matter. Your teenager will not believe you. You can say to her, "If you do not study, I foresee that you will fail your biology test." You can say, "If you go vegetarian and do not take a multivitamin with iron, I foresee that you will get anemia." You can say, "If you wear that low-cut shirt, I foresee that boys will stare at your boobs and not take you seriously at all." You can say many things. Indeed, I foresee that you will say many, many things, but it doesn't matter. Your teenager will not believe you because your teenager will think you are lame.
You are not lame. You are cursed. There's a big difference, and this is important to know, because if you are lame you may go out and try and educate yourself and, thus, improve yourself in your child's opinion. That's fine, if you are indeed lame, but it will take a LOT of work, and don't you have enough to do? Now, if you are cursed, there is nothing you can do. A curse is a curse. But the good news is you can just relax already. Get yourself a glass of wine. Watch some TV. It's all good. Most curses have a short shelf life, at least in a universal, evolutionary sense. Give it a few more years and you'll be on the other side of things.
My advice: accept that people often have to learn things the hard way and keep your passport ready at all times in case you stumble upon a giant wooden horse.
Channel Cassandra: I think the problem is that most of us already channel her too much, although if you can use her to help you learn from your own mistakes that might be a very good thing.
Need a goddess? I got goddesses! Post a comment saying why you need a goddess and I'll see what I can find. It's fun! It's free! I see it your future. Ah, come on, you gotta believe me!
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