Goddess of the Week: Cassandra

Beth needs a goddess for dealing with teenagers.  Alas, teenagers are so vexing that no goddess will have anything to do with them.  But I do have a prophetess for you.  Her name is Cassandra, and I predict that she will do.

Cassandra was a beautiful Trojan princess. She was so beautiful that the god Apollo fell in love with her.  He decided to give her a gift.  One night, when she was sleeping in Apollo's temple, Apollo had a pair of snakes come and lick her ears so clean that she could hear the future.  Alas, Cassandra was not impressed and she rebuffed Apollo.  Naturally, gods will not put of up with that business, so Apollo decided to punish her and make it so that no one would ever believe her prophesies.
She said to her brother Paris, "Dude, give that Helen chick back to her husband.  It will end badly."

But no one believed her, so--wham--the Trojan war.

She said to her father, the King of Troy, "That big wooden horse is full of soldiers.  Burn it."

But he was all, "No way.  It's a present from the gods for me because I am awesome." And what happened?  Wham--Troy was destroyed.

Ok, I hate to break it to you, Beth, but you are pretty much Cassandra.  Years of experience have licked your ears clean and given you the ability to accurately predict your teenager's future, but it doesn't matter.  Your teenager will not believe you.  You can say to her, "If you do not study, I foresee that you will fail your biology test."  You can say, "If you go vegetarian and do not take a multivitamin with iron, I foresee that you will get anemia."  You can say, "If you wear that low-cut shirt, I foresee that boys will stare at your boobs and not take you seriously at all."   You can say many things.  Indeed, I foresee that you will  say many, many things, but it doesn't matter.  Your teenager will not believe you because your teenager will think you are lame.

You are not lame.  You are cursed.  There's a big difference, and this is important to know, because if you are lame you may go out and try and educate yourself and, thus, improve yourself in your child's opinion. That's fine, if you are indeed lame, but it will take a LOT of work, and don't you have enough to do?  Now, if you are cursed, there is nothing you can do.  A curse is a curse. But the good news is you can just relax already.  Get yourself a glass of wine.  Watch some TV.  It's all good.  Most curses have a short shelf life, at least in a universal, evolutionary sense.  Give it a few more years and you'll be on the other side of things.

My advice: accept that people often have to learn things the hard way and keep your passport ready at all times in case you stumble upon a giant wooden horse.

Channel Cassandra: I think the problem is that most of us already channel her too much, although if you can use her to help you learn from your own mistakes that might be a very good thing.

Need a goddess?  I got goddesses!  Post a comment saying why you need a goddess and I'll see what I can find.  It's fun!  It's free!  I see it your future.  Ah, come on, you gotta believe me!

Speaking of goddesses...here are more for the trailer:
Here's Carrie. She should watch out because Apollo was the god of music and he would be totally into her.  But he would leave his sister, Artemis, alone.  So we will make her independent, beautiful Artemis.
Adrienne is Pele, the Hawaiian volcano goddess, who is full of passion, confidence, and strength.

Only a few more hours to vote for the covers below.  And only a few more days to send in a photo for the trailer!


Daisy said...

When I was a teen-ager, I knew EVERYTHING! Now life has caught up to me. Hang in there Beth! They'll soon be 35 or 40 and have teens of their own. Then you can "smile knowingly"
Daisy's Barbara

Olga said...

Oh, Margaret, it is almost as if you live with teenage girls. You know them so well.
And this too shall pass.

dcr said...

thanks so much! i didn't realize how bad i needed this!

Jean Spitzer said...

Funny and wise.

One tactic that does kind of work is the adult mentor who is not a parent: A kid will listen to a cool adult, i.e., someone else's mom.

More strong goddesses.

Margaret said...

Olga: I know. This one almost wrote itself.

Jean: you are so right about the mentors. My daughters have a grat godmothertha helps me out.

Rois said...

Godparents really do help in those moments when you feel like packing your teen off to some 3rd world country.

We have a friend who works with juvenile offenders and his #1 parenting tip:

Always remember where your head was when you were your child's age.It stops you for a moment to gather your thoughts and once in a while you end up kind of feeling sorry for the kid.

Ms M said...

Very wise. You obviously have experience with this. ;-)

Petrea Burchard said...

I love this one. Brilliant and funny, Margaret. Or "clever sebuofn," as my word verifications says.

Deb @ Paper Turtle said...

Oh how I LOVE this post. Having raised a teenage daughter on my own, I concur that every little bit of advice in this post is right on accurate! And then, I get to the end and there's my beautiful once-teenager and her guitar. LOL. Awesome!!!

PS: Our new house is on Apollo street and as soon as we moved in I looked him up and found that he was the god of music. I TOTALLY dig that!!!

Bec said...

Great one . . . I am not looking forward to those years. I already have my hands full! But, I think the glass of wine advice works at all ages.

altadenahiker said...

It's true -- growing up we will listen to other Cassandras, even those we've never met. We'll just never ever listen to the one that came with the original equipment.

Pasadena Adjacent said...

gad zeeks that was really funny - seriously funny!

"You are not lame. You are cursed"


Now go get drunk with Aunty Mame

Katie said...

Interesting post(:

Hi, I am a new follower via GFC. I would love it if you could stop by my blog sometime.

Carrie Rosalind said...

I love being Artemis. I was thinking about trying to get my pets to pose in this picture but didn't want to mess with it...I guess I should have! :)

Alison said...

Love it...so accurate...teenagers really DO believe their parents have never lived!
Alison xx

Cheri said...

So funny that you posted this on my birthday when I was having a trying time with TWIN TEENS... which is in and of itself a whole 'nuther ball game. Glad to know I'm cursed and not lame. Exactly how long is that shelf life anyway???

Susan Campisi said...

I'll be sure to pass the news on to my sisters with teenagers that they are not in fact lame but cursed. They will be relieved.

More amazing goddess photos!

TheChieftess said...

HaHa!!! I've never had the *joy* of raising my own teenager...but having worked in education for over 20 years...I know how true this is!!! I loved it!!!

Looking forward to the publishing!!!

PS...One of my sweetest kitties was named Casandra (numerically, I had to eliminate an S!!!)

Jaime...My Love said...

I love both of these goddesses! Pele is wonderful.