7/16/12

Fifty Shades of Green Eggs and Ham

"Sam I Am"
"Sam I Am" (Photo credit: CraftyGoat)
Anastasia Steele climbed the stairs to the bedroom, where she knew business magnate Christian Grey would be waiting for her.  She knew what he would do, and she knew she should hate him for it, but she climbed the stairs all the same.

She entered the room.  She saw him, standing there, wearing only an eye patch and a pair of Italian silk boxers the color of blood--the color of her shame, her humiliation, her love.

Mr. Grey opened his dirty mouth, and he said, "I am Sam the Pirate King. I am Sam.  Sam I am."

She tried to remember every smart thing her mother ever told her, but all she could do was whisper, "I do not like that Sam I am."

He tore open her crisp white blouse.  Fondling her trembling breasts, he said, "Do you like green eggs and ham?"

"I...I do not like green eggs and ham."  Her voice quivered.

He threw her to the ground.  "Oh, you like green eggs and ham," he said.  "You like them in a train.  You like them in a plane. You like them on the ground.  You like them all around.  You like them wearing leather--even more in stormy weather.  You like them when I tie you down. You like them when I wear a crown.  You like green eggs and ham.  You like them, and you want them.

"No.  No.  Ok.  Yes.  I...I do like green eggs and ham.  It's wrong, I know, but I can't live without green eggs and ham.  I can't and I won't! Her eyes grew wide, and she felt a deep power weld up inside her.  With a fierceness that made Mr. Grey's nostrils flare in excitement, she struggled and twisted until she was sitting on top of him.  "I'll them in the dark.  I'll have them in the park.  I'll them here and now. I'll have them bouncing on a cow.

"But tell me this, Mr. Grey, is that a wocket in your pocket, or are you just glad to see me?
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24 comments:

Margaret said...

I don't know. I'm thinking about this for the opening of my new novel. Thoughts?

Daisy said...

Racey, and wierd ... continue!

Desiree said...

This is hysterical.

Jaime...My Love said...

Ha ha! I read that first book for a friend, she was so excited about it. I was laughing all the way!

Pasadena Adjacent said...

"You like them wearing leather--even more in stormy weather"

I want that line on a T-Shirt

altadenahiker said...

Ahahaha. But, gasp, did you read it, or is the parody an educated guess?

Petrea Burchard said...

Margaret, where can I get a bottle of your brain, so I can have a sip when I need it?

Heather said...

I loved this when you read it, and I still love it now. You're definitely going in my Google Reader!

Margaret said...

This is something I wrote and performed at camp. I haven't read the book. I looked it up on Wikipedia. It was an awful lot fun. welcome to the party Heather.

Bellis said...

Oh how disappointing, I thought you'd read it, becaus you did a good job. I enjoyed the trilogy - I feel we have to be open to what everyone else is reading. Still trying to cast my Christian Grey. Elon Musk with the face of Christian Bale?

Hint: it gets better after Book One. And aren't we all envious that this hopeless author got so successful after posting a Twilight tribute novel online?

Margaret said...

Bellis, you read an excellent point. I would hate for anyone to think I was being mean spirited or superior. I haven't read it because I have another stack of books on my nightshelf. It is important to read what is popular and to see what the zeitgist is, which is exactly why I read Twilight years ago. I just wanted to see what was going on. As a writer, I wish others only the best, especially successful self-published authors who are changing the face of publisheing. Power to writers of all stripes and genres!

spyhop3 said...

Clever, witty, fun. A triple crown of laughter!

Ms M said...

Haha! Very witty, clever -- well written.

TheChieftess said...

Margaret...YOU ROCK!!!

I just bot my copy of *the Goddess Lounge*!!! Can't wait to finish what I'm reading and get started!!!

TheChieftess said...

that would be "got"!!!

Addey said...

Freaking hilarious as always Margaret. Of course, having read the real Green Eggs and Ham the other night to my son at bedtime, it was a bit more disturbing and I'm not sure I'll ever be able to read it with a straight face again. *laugh*

Finished The Goddess Lounge last night. I loved it! It kept me laughing and page turning until I couldn't keep my eyes open. And I know just enough of the Odyssey to see the parallels. Yeah, I really needed to be smacked upside the head with the same lesson as Penne... Thanks!

Alison said...

Love it...from some of the reports I've read, I may prefer your version!Alison xx

Margaret said...

Addey: I am so glad you liked it! One wee favor: if you are so inclined, would you mind putting those very same words up on Amazon? Not a big deal if you can't, but, apparently, reader reviews are really helpful.

Jean Spitzer said...

Love this.

Eager to return home and start reading GL. Meanwhile, never think of Green Eggs and Ham the same way again. Many thanks.

Addey said...

Will do on both Amazon, and B&N since I bought the nook version. I was planning on it, just hadn't gotten there yet....

Margaret said...

Addey, that would be fantastic. Thanks very much. Have a great day!

cindie geddes said...

Giggle. Gasp. Giggle some more. You crack me up.

Deb @ Paper Turtle said...

Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha. Classic Margaret. I love it! ;o)

Imogen Dalziel said...

Haha, this is brilliant, I want to hear more!