Although the new year is traditionally a time of assessing new opportunities, reports of "flu epidemics" have resulted in a "hunker down" mentality that is having serious market consequences.
On the upside, while the productivity of workers with bad colds has been decreased, opportunities for finding a warm spot on the couch are almost unlimited.
Likewise, said workers have been shown to possess a generous tendency to spill food, which always means increased opportunities for investors willing to hit the ground running.
On the downside, bosses seem to be in poor spirits due to the decreased productivity of the members of their team, and since poor spirits translate into late meals, half-hearted rubbies, and lackluster walkies, investors looking to increase their status in a volatile environment may do best to stay in the shadows.
As of yet, said "flu epidemic" has bypassed California, meaning that investors in other geographic regions may have it even worse. But since the CEO is making his way home from the east coast via BOSTON, the flu headquarters of the nation, investors may find commodities the most promising market of all, which is why we are sending out a buy offer on Orange Juice, chicken soup, hand sanitizer and Advil.