Women Who Stare Down Messy Houses

Well, friends, I'm going to be honest with you. I am just back from a week at the beach. I understand that not everyone has the time or resources to take a vacation and I that I should be brimming with gratitude.

But let me you: what I'm feeling now is not gratitude. What I am feeling now is terror.

The dust bunnies have actually done it this time. They have taken over.

Here you see them devouring what was once a lovely needle-pointed cushion:

Here -- in an even bolder strike -- you see them chasing away the dog. She tried her best to fend them off, but they're monsters I tell you -- Monsters.

Most horrifying of all, here you see their devil minions coating my table. If you get close enough you can hear them coughing. They are so evil that they are even allergic to themselves.

On Facebook yesterday, I noted that I was staring down a messy house and my sister said that that was actually the title of Julia Roberts' newest movie: "Women Who Stare Down Messy Houses." Then she gave me this great advice -- advice that she always follows because she is an exemplary person. She said that you should clean your house before you go on vacation so that it will be nice and tidy when you get home.

Sigh.

Do I need to mention again that she is the exemplary sister?

I am the sister communicating with dirt. And I think it can use the Force.

Help me Obi Wan Kenobi. You're my only hope.

Joyology 101

Ok, people, we must work very hard to find the joy today. The hounds are positively at the gates. There is not enough money, there is not enough time, and the children ar

Image by mccheek via Flickr

e ill behaved at best. And have you seen the dust bunnies? They tried to eat the dog today. We could barely corral them back under the dresser where they belong.

Still, we must be resolute. Here is what we must do: Since the sky is gray and rain is predicted, we must make a cup of tea and we must put it in a pretty cup and saucer. (No. You may not use that chipped mug with the Easter Bunny on it. Sure. It's easier to get to and it's less fragile than the china but it's ugly and tacky and today we are seeking our fricking joy so get the goddamn good cup. We deserve it.)

Next, let's enjoy our tea while wrapped inside in a big warm blanket. Let us remember those happy in utero days of yore when life was one big, cozy water bed and we could peacefully suck life straight out of our mothers' bodies. Let us not dwell on the karmic justice of having our own little vampires suck the life straight out of ours, in utero and out, for almost fifteen years now.

Instead, let us sip our tea, in the dark, and watch "Bridget Jones Diary." Let us watch our secret boyfriend nobly see the inner beauty in that alcoholic, chain-smoking, foul mouthed Renee Zellweger. Sigh. He is so good. And since it is all about the joy, let us (meaning you), refrain from all eye-rolling and smirks directed at our choice of movie and secret boyfriend. We all have our coping mechanisms, after all.

Finally, let us indulge in a little bowl of our favorite cherry chocolate chip ice cream. (The dust bunnies are advancing, but we can't hear them when the spoon clinks against the bowl. Best make it a big bowl.)