Hillary Clinton as Hera

So, I'm sorry. I'm still thinking about Hillary. And here's what I've decided: Hillary was too much like Hera, the wife of Zeus.

As every sixth grader whose taken Ancient Civilization can tell you, Zeus was king of the gods and Hera was his wife. Now, a sixth grader will tell you that Zeus had a lot of girlfriends, but let's be honest, the man slept around like nobody's business. He left a string of swept away maiden's and half immortal children wherever he went. As you can imagine, this made Hera look bad. She was queen of gods, after all. Plus, she was the goddess of marriage and childbirth. He did no favors to her omnipotent powers and reputation by seducing every milkmaid in a toga, which is why, perhaps, Hera was incredibly jealous, bad tempered and went around turning all of Zeus' lovers into goats and such. No one really liked Hera. She had no sense of humor and she took things way too seriously. Goats? I mean, really, isn't that a bit much? Especially when most of the gods and goddesses had pretty liberal sexual ethics.

Any of this sound Clintonesque? People never got over seeing Hillary as Hera: Powerful, yes. Intelligent, hardworking, yes. Scorned, vengeful, jealous wife, yes. And who wants Hera for President? No one. She's no fun at all -- even if she can drink John McCain under the table.

Hillary's problem is that she got her goddess mojo all wrong. She needed to find a way to channel a different goddess. I'm thinking Athena. Everyone liked her. Men and women. Athena could be president. But Hera...not even on Mount Olympus.