Goddess of the Week: Freya

Lilli is ready to dip her toes in the relationship pool; she needs a goddess of love. I am giving her the Norse goddess Freya.

Freya was basically your early Match.com. People would ask her for a lover, and she would see what she could find. She herself was loved by many, including men, giants, and dwarves, which is a good reminder that when looking for a relationship one might want to cast a wide net. Just because someone seems totally different from you doesn't mean you might not have some interesting things in common.

Freya had awesome transportation. She got to ride around on a gold-bristled boar or on a chariot pulled by two cats. This is also instructional. Freya's hot rides got her where she was going in style. If your path to love is taking you down too many pothole-ridden roads, you must ask yourself: what's with all the old Yugos blocking your path? Better to ride in comfort alone than be stuck with a balding pig.

Channel this goddess: When you are ready for a relationship or when buying a new car. Aren't they pretty much the same thing anyway?

Need a goddess? I got goddesses! Post a comment explaining what you need or want a goddess for. Then check back in a week or two and see what you got. It's fun! It's free! It's better than getting boar hair in your unmentionables.

Goddess of the Week: Porcina

Image via Wikipedia

The truth is, this goddess tale is a repeat, but I think you'll like it.

Not much is known about the goddess Porcina, who was worshipped by the mysterious pig-herding Urdian people, and none of what is known about Porcina comes from the Urdians themselves. The Urdians had no written language. But, as fierce, war-loving people, they did have plenty of enemies, including the ancient Babylonians, who ultimately crushed their civilization.

Alas, the Urdians' loss was posterity's gain because the Babylonians kept records. It's because of them that we know anything at all about Porcina, who they described as portly, pasty and strangely hirsute. She is said to have given the Urdians the pig. And she even told them what to do with it. Says an incomplete Babylonian fragment found near an ancient cooking pit: "And so the Urdians took the beast's back, as Porcina demanded, and butchered it from the shoulder to the rear leg. And this meat they did slice into long strips, which they cooked long and at medium-high heat until there was no pink. For the goddess said, 'he who eats of the pink strips will surely die.'"

The ancient Jews were also enemies of the Urdians, and it is speculated that the the Jewish ban on pork is in direct response to the famous battle at Jeridia, where the Urdians catapaulted flaming dead pigs into that beloved walled city, where the Jews had been trapped, starving, for two months. As the book of Leviticus describes it, "The pigs came and they came, and Josiva said, "Why, God, dost though tempt us with the cloven foot that smells so delicious as it burneth down the temple? Has though forgotten us entirely? But no, we will not surrender. For surely our God is a great God, and we will show our foul enemies that we will smote them down. We will not eat of the cloven hoof, no matter how loud it sizzles and doth makes our stomachs moan as we consume, instead, locusts and crickets and all manner of abhorent grub."

Channel this goddess: When anxious to please overnight guests with an Atkins-happy diet, also on Easter (just around the corner!) when eating of the pig is always recommended, also when making Bacon Explosion or whenever you just need a little help whipping up the cloven footed.

Goddess of the Week: Venus

My secret confession this Valentine's week is that Venus is my favorite goddess.  It seems a little unlike me, I know.  Venus is the Roman goddess of love and beauty.  How much more irritating frothy blondes rising from clamshells can you get?  

But it's only our modern inclination to make concepts as deep as postcards that makes Venus synonymous with pop love songs and Viagra-free sex.

The really Venus was a pistol.  Her origins are disputable, but what is indisputable is that she was so beautiful that Zeus had to choose her husband so that the gods wouldn't slaughter each other over her.  He chose club-footed Vulcan, who made Venus fabulous jewels but who, alas, could do little to stop his wife's wandering eye.  Indeed, she was not the most faithful of spouses, but she didn't get to choose her own husband did she?  And, really, she was a lot better than all those gods who slept with every shepherdess whoever batted an eye.  They wanted power; she wanted a good time.  

But she wasn't all sex and romance.  Oh, no. She could be a real bitch too.  She tried to thwart her son Cupid's love with a princess by the name of Psyche.  She even tried to make the poor girl kill herself.  And when a couple of lovers forgot to thank her for a gift, she compelled them to have sex in another goddess's temple, fully knowing that that goddess would feel so insulted that she'd turn them into lions and make them pull her around in a chariot for all eternity.

Still, she saved her son Aeneas from the burning of Troy, and she made his descendents the first Caesars of Rome.  In fact, the Romans called her Venus Genetrix, Venus the mother, and she protected them in times of need.  She was their patron goddess.

I guess what I like about Venus is that you can't pin her down.  She's a thousand things, but she is always vivacity and the determined need to make life a rich and rewarding experience.  She is daffodils that spring up after a winter rainstorm.  She is the sun that shines through the clouds.  She is the little babe that screams as it enters the lights.  She is the dance that continues after the music stops.  Death happens.  Bad things happen.  But Venus never falters.  She is life.  She is love.  And that's why Venus conquers all.  

Goddess of the Week: Corn Mother

The pilgrims who celebrated the first Thanksgiving had not only their own god to thank, but perhaps also the great Corn Mother.  Native Americans from Mexico to Canada worshipped many versions of the corn mother, and they gave her many names: Green Corn Goddess, Sela, Iyatiki, White Buffalo Woman, and more.  In each case, however, the corn mother gave the indigenous people the gift of harvested corn, thus freeing them from the unpredictability of a purely hunter-gatherer existence.  

To communal tribes that privileged the group over the individual, the corn mother symbolized the importance of self sacrifice.  In story after story, she gives her own life so that the people can have corn.  The Keresan people say she planted bits of her own heart to establish the first corn fields.  The Creek say she had the men of one village kill her and drag her body across the barren ground.  Wherever her blood landed corn began to grow.  The Penobscot people tell a similar tale, but in their version, she asks her husband to kill her and drag her body around so that corn can grow and feed her starving children.

From my modern eyes, I find these tales a little disturbing.  They fall far too neatly into gendered ideas about women's heroism stemming from their literal self sacrifice.  Then again, such tales surely taught Native Americans of both sexes that their existence was intended to serve something bigger than themselves.  And if they hadn't believed that I wonder if they would have ever fed those pesky Europeans in the funny black hats.  

Goddess of the Week: Sedna

Sedna is the Inuit goddess of the sea.  Once upon a time she was as human as you or me. Here's the story: a good-looking guy arrives at Sedna's house and, like any louse, he promises her everything -- foods, warm pelts, a nice home, a flatscreen TV.  She agrees to marry  him, and he takes her to his isolated island where the truth came out.  He's not even human!  He's a crummy bird who can only provide her with fish.  Well, even knowing the benefits of Omega threes, no one can be expected to eat fish all the time.  

Fast foward: Sedna's father comes to visit.  He sees how unhappy his daughter is and kills the birdman.  Dad and Sedna get in a canoe and head home.  But the birdman's friends get mad and cause a huge storm in the hopes of sinking the boat and avenging their friend.  Dad gets panicked (as men do) and throws Sedna in the sea in the hopes of placating the birdman's friends.  Sedna refuses to play the sacrificial lamb and holds tight to the boar, so Dad gets out his knife and cuts off her fingers one at a time.  Each finger turns into an Arctic sea creature (seal, whale, etc).  As for Sedna, she sinks to the bottom of the sea where she still refuses to die.  She becomes a goddess!  She has the head and torso of a human and the tail of a fish.

She is the source of Arctic life and Inuit shamans rely on her to keep the seas full of food and to help heal their sick patients.  In trances, the Shamans swim to the bottom on the ocean and comb and braid her hair in order to win her favor.  Hey, she may sound easy, but remember, she has no fingers to do her own hair and just think what happens to your hair when you've been swimming at the beach.  

Personal attributes of Sedna: Not the best man smarts, but one tough cookie nonetheless.

Channel this goddess when:  The men in your life are bringing you down.  She will remind you that you don't need their shit and that you can very well -- even better -- on your own.  

 

Goddess of the Week: Kali

This Hindu goddess of death and destruction is often represented as blue and with many arms.  

Poor Kali is a bit misunderstood, as, perhaps, any goddess with her particular skill set might be.  She is the goddess of death and destruction, but more metaphorically than literally.  What she kills isn't man (or woman), but the ego.  And as for destruction, she symbolizes the natural passings (physical, philosophical, emotional) that come with change and time.

Personal attributes: loyal and compassionate to followers, but you don't want to mess with her.  She doesn't politely swallow her rage.  She acts on it.  And how.

Channel this goddess: When passive aggression just doesn't cut it anymore and you need to speak your honest-to-goodness mind; when faced with the inevitability of loss; when confronted with worthless computer technicians who really have no idea at all why your DSL line won't work and keep passing the buck.  

Goddess of the Week: Artemis

In honor of the Olympics, this week's goddess is Artemis: Greek goddess of hunt.  

The twin of Ares, god of war, Artemis made two requests of her father when she was but a wee baby divinity.   Request number one: that she never be forced to marry.  Request number two: that she be granted her own fifty fleet-footed wood nymphs and a pack of hound dogs. Generous father that he was, Zeus granted his daughter's wishes and Artemis spent her days hunting in the forest and swimming naked in crystal clear springs with her devoted nymphs, which leads one to wonder what else was going on with those nymphs.  

Personal attributes: independent, athletic and no nonsense, but could be a bit cold-hearted, especially toward male mortals who accidentally found her swimming with her nymphs.

Channel this goddess when: you are going for the gold or, alternately, just plain sick of men. 

Goddess of the Week: Demeter

Demeter is the Greek goddess of agriculture and fertility. She loved her daughter Persephone more than life itself. Literally.

When Hades kidnapped Persephone in order to maker her his wife, all the other gods -- including Zeus, Demeter's brother -- just shrugged their shoulders and refused to do anything. So Demeter upped the ante. She began to let all the plants of the world die, which meant that all life would ultimately starve. The gods could be fickle and cavalier, but they didn't want the whole world to die, so they made a deal: Persephone would stay with Hades in the underworld for three months of the year (one month for each seed of the underworld fruit that she ate while in Hades) and for the rest of the year she would stay with her mother.

Personal attributes: Maternal and loving, but don't mess with this mama.

Channel this goddess when: You can't remember why you wanted kids in the first place or when you're cultivating a green thumb (remember: there are lots of way to mother)

Hillary Clinton as Hera

So, I'm sorry. I'm still thinking about Hillary. And here's what I've decided: Hillary was too much like Hera, the wife of Zeus.

As every sixth grader whose taken Ancient Civilization can tell you, Zeus was king of the gods and Hera was his wife. Now, a sixth grader will tell you that Zeus had a lot of girlfriends, but let's be honest, the man slept around like nobody's business. He left a string of swept away maiden's and half immortal children wherever he went. As you can imagine, this made Hera look bad. She was queen of gods, after all. Plus, she was the goddess of marriage and childbirth. He did no favors to her omnipotent powers and reputation by seducing every milkmaid in a toga, which is why, perhaps, Hera was incredibly jealous, bad tempered and went around turning all of Zeus' lovers into goats and such. No one really liked Hera. She had no sense of humor and she took things way too seriously. Goats? I mean, really, isn't that a bit much? Especially when most of the gods and goddesses had pretty liberal sexual ethics.

Any of this sound Clintonesque? People never got over seeing Hillary as Hera: Powerful, yes. Intelligent, hardworking, yes. Scorned, vengeful, jealous wife, yes. And who wants Hera for President? No one. She's no fun at all -- even if she can drink John McCain under the table.

Hillary's problem is that she got her goddess mojo all wrong. She needed to find a way to channel a different goddess. I'm thinking Athena. Everyone liked her. Men and women. Athena could be president. But Hera...not even on Mount Olympus.