2/14/09

Valentine's Advice

Dear Cupid:  Help!  I forgot to buy my wife a Valentine's gift.  What should I do?  

Signed,

Forgetful and Clearly Stupid


Dear Forgetful:

No problem.  In these challenging economic times, simply tell your beloved that what you really want to celebrate is her!  How?  It couldn't be easier!  Scrub the tub.  Really use some elbow grease to get rid of all that scum.  Then, since you're already there, go ahead and clean the toilet and the sink.  Mop the floor and put out some fresh towels.  Make that bathroom shine!  This is your wife we're talking about.  Doesn't she deserve the best!  Doesn't she deserve a clean bathroom that she didn't have to clean herself for the first time in twenty years!

Now, when that bathroom is spic-and-span, invite her to take a nice hot bubble bath.  Run the water for her!  Light some candles!  So far you haven't spent a penny so make this work.  As she luxuriates in the bath, go ahead and make dinner.  Your first temptation may be to defrost a pizza or get out the fine china cereal bowls.  Resist that urge.  Remember, it was your own lamentable carelessness that got you into this situation.  You will have to actually cook.  If you are not an experienced cook I would suggest something simple: A lovely pasta carbonara, for example.  Believe me, there is nothing more romantic than bacon, and it seems inconceivable that you don't have bacon, eggs, and spaghetti waiting for you in your kitchen.  If you are a food blogger, then you better make this good because you are just asking for trouble if you try and pawn off  some lame grilled cheese sandwiches and frozen peas onto your lady love. 

Now, if you've played your card rights, the night will be yours for romance!  But there is one more thing you must do if you want to pull this off.  You must change the sheets.  Take those dirty sheets that have been on your bed for the last two months, put them in the washer -- on HOT -- and let the magic washing machine do its work.  Maybe go ahead and flip that mattress too.  Then, put some clean sheets on the bed, preferably flannel because it's been cold lately!  Fluff those pillows.  Make everything nice and tidy.  What?  You don't know how?  I blame your mother.  Still, it's not rocket science.  Figure it out.  

Do these things and your Valentine will love you forever, for, you see, romance doesn't cost a penny, it just takes time.  

13 comments:

Cafe Observer said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Cafe Observer said...

MF, did u mean 2 say, "cupid", rather than "stupid?"

Alternative gifting: take her out 4 lunch or dinner, followed by a facial. And, don't forget to feed your dog some doggy treats as well. Finally, volunteer to run her blog(s) for a week.


(I hope it wasn't your husband)

Palm Axis said...

I'm at Pasadena Adjacent

I have the t-shirt that says I'm with "Clearly Stupid" no no, that was a typo "clearly cupid"

Susan C said...

And a word of warning to Valentines: Never say "I took out the trash" or "I unloaded the dishwasher" or "I washed my plate" FOR YOU. FOR ME? Don't you throw trash in the can? Weren't some of those dishes in the diswhasher yours? Didn't you just DIRTY that plate you washed FOR ME?

Oh, don't get me started.

West Coast Grrlie Blather said...

So simple, so brilliant, and so affordable!

Margaret said...

My husband is way to smart to make such an amateurish mistake. I had flowers waiting for me on the table the moment I woke up

Petrea said...

This is great. I'm going to forward the link to somebody.:)

altadenahiker said...

I was going to ask what Mr. Beginagain was up to yesterday, but now I know.

Margaret said...

Poor Mr. Beginagain is very concerned that people will think he is such a pig, when, in fact, he is a most exemplary husband in every way.

Petrea said...

You tell him not at all. We read the comment about flowers waiting for you on the table when you woke up.

Laurie said...

I love it, Margaret!

(My word verification is dilldo. I'm cracking up.)

J&D said...



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Star said...

Dog house? This has got to be one of the funniest videos I have seen in my whole entire life: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eyduncFpzl4. Share it with your Significant Other; it might help them stay out of the dog house.