Goddess of the Week: Porcina

Image via Wikipedia

The truth is, this goddess tale is a repeat, but I think you'll like it.

Not much is known about the goddess Porcina, who was worshipped by the mysterious pig-herding Urdian people, and none of what is known about Porcina comes from the Urdians themselves. The Urdians had no written language. But, as fierce, war-loving people, they did have plenty of enemies, including the ancient Babylonians, who ultimately crushed their civilization.

Alas, the Urdians' loss was posterity's gain because the Babylonians kept records. It's because of them that we know anything at all about Porcina, who they described as portly, pasty and strangely hirsute. She is said to have given the Urdians the pig. And she even told them what to do with it. Says an incomplete Babylonian fragment found near an ancient cooking pit: "And so the Urdians took the beast's back, as Porcina demanded, and butchered it from the shoulder to the rear leg. And this meat they did slice into long strips, which they cooked long and at medium-high heat until there was no pink. For the goddess said, 'he who eats of the pink strips will surely die.'"

The ancient Jews were also enemies of the Urdians, and it is speculated that the the Jewish ban on pork is in direct response to the famous battle at Jeridia, where the Urdians catapaulted flaming dead pigs into that beloved walled city, where the Jews had been trapped, starving, for two months. As the book of Leviticus describes it, "The pigs came and they came, and Josiva said, "Why, God, dost though tempt us with the cloven foot that smells so delicious as it burneth down the temple? Has though forgotten us entirely? But no, we will not surrender. For surely our God is a great God, and we will show our foul enemies that we will smote them down. We will not eat of the cloven hoof, no matter how loud it sizzles and doth makes our stomachs moan as we consume, instead, locusts and crickets and all manner of abhorent grub."

Channel this goddess: When anxious to please overnight guests with an Atkins-happy diet, also on Easter (just around the corner!) when eating of the pig is always recommended, also when making Bacon Explosion or whenever you just need a little help whipping up the cloven footed.

More Bacon News

I'm getting a little nervous.  The contestants of the Great Bacon Caper are coming for brunch in a few weeks and several of them are very clever food bloggers who post beautiful food porn pictures of their lovely comestibles.  

I am not a bad cook, but I am not a Martha Stewart cook, either.  I come from good German stock.  I make simple food, and it never resembles food porn.  My cake platters have as much frosting as my cakes.  My sandwiches are unevenly sliced.  My cupcakes are of varying sizes and shapes.  

As I worriedly contemplate the menu and furrow my brow at the thought of Susan Carrier's miniature Pecan tassies, I give you three things to ponder.  

One.  A refresher of the winning entry, a lovely poem by our bacon winner, Linda Dove

Two.  A haiku for the vegetarians, courtesy of  Paula Johnson.

Three.  A picture that I think must have inspired Paula.

On the Stove in the Kitchen

by Linda Dove

The anticipation of this bacon in the pan;

Pastries for a salt-toothed girl.

Paula's Haiku

The average pig

counts on vegetarians

to save his bacon.

Click here to see the very pigs Paula must have been talking about, and thanks to Altadena Hiker for bringing this photo from Greenwich Village Daily Photo to my attention. 

Valentine's Advice

Dear Cupid:  Help!  I forgot to buy my wife a Valentine's gift.  What should I do?  

Signed,

Forgetful and Clearly Stupid

Dear Forgetful:

No problem.  In these challenging economic times, simply tell your beloved that what you really want to celebrate is her!  How?  It couldn't be easier!  Scrub the tub.  Really use some elbow grease to get rid of all that scum.  Then, since you're already there, go ahead and clean the toilet and the sink.  Mop the floor and put out some fresh towels.  Make that bathroom shine!  This is your wife we're talking about.  Doesn't she deserve the best!  Doesn't she deserve a clean bathroom that she didn't have to clean herself for the first time in twenty years!

Now, when that bathroom is spic-and-span, invite her to take a nice hot bubble bath.  Run the water for her!  Light some candles!  So far you haven't spent a penny so make this work.  As she luxuriates in the bath, go ahead and make dinner.  Your first temptation may be to defrost a pizza or get out the fine china cereal bowls.  Resist that urge.  Remember, it was your own lamentable carelessness that got you into this situation.  You will have to actually cook.  If you are not an experienced cook I would suggest something simple: A lovely pasta carbonara, for example.  Believe me, there is nothing more romantic than bacon, and it seems inconceivable that you don't have bacon, eggs, and spaghetti waiting for you in your kitchen.  If you are a food blogger, then you better make this good because you are just asking for trouble if you try and pawn off  some lame grilled cheese sandwiches and frozen peas onto your lady love. 

Now, if you've played your card rights, the night will be yours for romance!  But there is one more thing you must do if you want to pull this off.  You must change the sheets.  Take those dirty sheets that have been on your bed for the last two months, put them in the washer -- on HOT -- and let the magic washing machine do its work.  Maybe go ahead and flip that mattress too.  Then, put some clean sheets on the bed, preferably flannel because it's been cold lately!  Fluff those pillows.  Make everything nice and tidy.  What?  You don't know how?  I blame your mother.  Still, it's not rocket science.  Figure it out.  

Do these things and your Valentine will love you forever, for, you see, romance doesn't cost a penny, it just takes time.  

And the Winner is...

Welcome to the 2009 Great Bacon Caper award's ceremony: the one event where the pig is actually the prize.  

Oh, what a whirlwind it's been.  Creativity, ingenuity, the ruthless pursuit of Bristol Farms Bacon -- and that's just Petrea.  Before the winner is announced, let's a take a moment and review the amazing baconcentric entries we've received.  So sit back, set your Pandora Radio to Barbra Streisand's "Memories,"  and read on.  

Oh how I remember the first entry: Vanda's Bacon Rhapsody.  When challenged by a certain blogger on issues of original creation, the undefatigible Vanda got straight back in the game with The Pink Pig that Could.   

Several competitors brought us food related posts.  Susan's BLAT is as close to food porn as this blog gets.   CB3Dot went the recipe route too, although I'm not sure if he realized that he even entered the contest.  Pasadena Adjacent went the pizza route, and the Restless Chef brought us lard.  A bit too late Kathy H. brought us a recipe for bacon-wrapped dates.  

I really liked Mr. Earl's political angle.  And Petrea is also so clever.  Like Mr. Earl she knows there is always more than one way to interpret bacon.  

Altadena Hiker brought us a pretty dirty pig.  She's always so funny, and I do like a good laugh.

But I can also be introspective, and the poet Linda Dove brought us a poem called On the Stove in the Kitchen.  It's worth repeating:  

The anticipation of this bacon in the pan;

Pastries for a salt-toothed girl.  

Don't you love that?  A bit too late Miss Havisham brought us another poem.  And so did Paula Johnson.  (See below.)  They could have been contenders but...they did miss the deadline.

Ok.  Turn of the music.  Calm down.  Breathe deep.  Are you ready for your close-up?  After much consideration and a sleepless night -- and remember this is an imperfect world where merit not always rewarded as much as it should be, and you were all brilliant and you all deserve to win  -- the award of the Great Bacon Caper goes to...

Linda Dove, for her poem "On the Stove in the Kitchen."

But all the competitors are so fabulous that I invite you to my house for breakfast.  We'll do it during my spring break in March.  Stay tuned.  

And congratulations Linda!  

Late entries worth your attention

Miss Havisham graces us with a fabulous bacon and eggs poem.  Check it out.  

And the ever clever Paula Johnson (my personal IT department) offers this haiku: 

The average pig

counts on vegetarians

to save his bacon.

And Kathy H. sends a recipe for Bacon-wrapped dates.  

Alas, this outstanding entries are a little too-late to be eligible for our prize of one pound of Bristol Farm's best bacon (I would bend the rules but I'm afraid some of our competitors would hurt me), but I thank them for sharing.  And to the competitors I just want to say that you are very luck because these are very, very clever people. 

A Bacon Poem No Less

And would you believe it...a bacon poem by Linda Dove.  

The Great Bacon Caper Heats Up

Well, it's down to the wire.  The Great Bacon Caper ends tonight, and we have more bloggers throwing their work in the ring.  Representing the year of the pig, is Pasadena Adjacent and representing the lovers of lard is Restless Chef, a newby but a goody.  My, my, my this little piggie has her work set out for her.  I'll announce the winner Monday

BLAT Me Some More

We have another entry, and it will make your mouth water.  Check out Susan's Bacon, Lettuce, Avocado, Tomato Nirvana.  I'm impressed.  

Wise Women Friday: Irma S. Rombauer and Marion Rombauer Becker

Words of wisdom from Irma and Marion, the mother-daughter team who brought us The Joy of Cooking:

It is a sobering fact that unless you 

use the rendered grease [of bacon], 

you are eating only one-fifth of what you buy.

First printed in the height of the Depression, The Joy of Cooking is nothing if not a thrifty homemaker's bible.  And now, in these austere times, who among is not, on some level, a thrifty homemaker?  But what to do with the rendered bacon grease?  How can one use the total package, as it were?  That is the question. 

Of course, you can cook with it, as is commonly done in the south. (Think: pie crust.)

But must economy doom us to heart disease, strokes, and fat thighs?  I say no!  With a little creativity, bacon fat can be as versatile as that favorite black dress you dress up or down for any occasion.  Why wait?  Start today: Use your bacon fat in any of these fabulous ways:

1. Moisturizer.  Perfectly natural and chemical free (as long as the bacon is organic), but do pass through a sieve first as little bits of bacon on the face are not at all attractive.

2. Scented crayons.  Just mix with a little paraffin and food coloring.  Bake until hard.

3. Humane dog call.  Don't torment Fido with one of those high-pitched whistles that only canines can hear.  To dogs, that's like scratching fingernails on a blackboard.  Slather a little bacon fat on your wrist and Fido will come running.  Even better, he may bring a few friends.  The more the merrier is what I say!

4. Candles.  Enough said.

5. Bird Feeder.  Just douse the fat in some bird seed, attach some yarn and hang from a tree.  You'll have a regular aviary!  (Warning: do not leave small pets or children unattended.)

6. Lubricant.  Enough said.

7. Chapstick.

8. Volumizing hair gel.

Why stop there?  There must a million things to do with bacon fat.  As the old saying goes: The world is your oyster and bacon fat is your Swiss Army Knife.

I Smell Bacon

The pig's beginning to sizzle.  Check out our first entry.  Now don't be discouraged.  She is a design professional, but you're clever too.  Way to go Vanda at Toadberry.  

I Challenge You: The Great Bacon Caper

What the people want is bacon.   I therefore issue a blogger challenge.  You have one week to post something that will appeal to the masses' love of bacon.  Will it be a restaurant review?  A recipe?  A poem?  An artwork?  Surprise me.  

The winner will be the blogger best able to capture the spirit of the theme: "The Great Bacon Caper."  I am also curious to know if blogs about bacon really do garner attention.  So you will get bonus points if you can tell me that traffic to your blog spiked as a result of your bacon post.

The prize?  One pound of Bristol Farms very best butcher counter bacon, which I will hand deliver to you.  

Spread the word, and be sure to tell me when you post!