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-- The Daily Telegraph
I always knew there was something special about me. I just never knew it had anything to do with the three foot piece of glass sticking out of my chin. I thought it was more of Joan of Arc thing -- or even a Lindsey Lohan sort of thing. I felt certain that my destiny was one of greatness -- that a life of celebrity and genius would sneak up on me when I least expected it, sort of like the way I'm always surprised to see my reflection every time I look into the sun, or the way passersby just naturally give me a wide berth. I used to think it was my charismatic presence that opened spaces for me in crowded sidewalks. Turns out people just didn't want to get whacked by the large piece of glass in my chin.
I know what you're thinking. You're thinking: How could a person not notice a windshield sticking out of his chin for thirty years? All I can say is that I thought it was one of those benign cysts people get. A little unseemly, yes, a little crocodilian perhaps, but nothing out of the ordinary. My grandmother had a mole the size of an unshelled peanut right on her neck. People used to pay her fifty cents just to touch it. The glass in my chin didn't seem much different. Just sharper.
And the fact is, the glass did have its advantages. I haven't used a knife in decades. I've never been mugged. It's easy to find a seat on the subway, and on Tuesdays I only pay half price at the car wash.
Of course, there have been challenges too. It hasn't always been easy to find dates, and sometimes the Windex stings my eyes.
The real question isn't how I missed noticing the giant piece of windshield sticking out of my chin. The real question is: How will I define myself now that it is gone? How can I reconcile myself to a normal life? How can adjust to a lack of reflective vision and the regular use of utensils. But I guess that's the life of extraordinary people in a nutshell. One minute you're clearing sidewalks, and the next minute you're just stuck with a bleeding sore on your face. And isn't that a lesson that even a Lindsay Lohan can relate to?