Dear Carbs

This is a photograph of some :en:Boudin Bakery...Image via Wikipedia

Dear Carbs:

Don't take this the wrong way. You're great. You are doughy and sweet and sometimes frothy and bubbly. Ummm. I love you. You make me nice and full and you always have a way of making me dream a little bigger. That's why this next part is so hard.

The thing is...I'm breaking up with you . It's not that I've fallen in love with another food group. For Godsake no! Don't listen to any of that gossip Mr. Protein is spreading. I could care less about protein. Protein. Pfff. What's protein but a big ol' slab of something chewy.

The thing is...we've just become co-dependent, and I see now that you're bring me down. We're just not right for each other. You are luscious and delicious. I am 44 and my waist is getting thicker. And it's not just that. If it was just about my waist it would be fine. What the hell do I care about my waist when there is chocolate cake to be had? Nothing! I love chocolate cake!

The real deal breaker, the real heartbreaker, is the kids. Yes. I'm doing this for the kids. You're a bad influence on them. Ok? I'm going to be tough now because that is the only way you will listen! You make them crave you and worship you and then you send them spiraling into sugar-induced lows, fits of grumpiness and distractedness. Don't you dare tell me the scientific research is inconclusive! I talked to the damn dietician! Ok! She said ixnay on the ugarsay! So there!

I can see you are not taking this well. I understand. Do you think it's easy for me? I'm going to give you some time to sleep on this, and then we'll talk later. When we've both calmed down.

In the meantime, I want you to meet my new best friend: Mr. Endive. He's not as sexy as you, I know, but he's good for me, damn it! Good for Me!

P.S. I will always love you.


P.S.S Maybe we can do lunch sometime. When the kids are at school. Our little secret. Damn. I just can't quit you.
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Cafe Pasadena said...

You're quite a Baker, MF. Never underestimate you the goddess you are!
Those are some bread & buns you have. I just wanna grab one & take a bite.

Now, uh, where's the goddess of rain, cuz we need her - pronto!!

inkywasfat said...

Oh, I laughed and laughed. Thanks for that.

Sherry said...

Ha! Loved this post. I, too, am in love with carbs. However, I will never be able to break up with them. They are just too good to my taste buds! Bad for the waistline though, I know. Oh well.

Susan C said...

Is there a goddess who sacrifices her greatest love to benefit her true loves? I wish I could channel her for you.

Bec said...

You crack me up. It's such a love/hate relationship. We're constantly on again, off again . . . on right now and I'm starting to feel the consequences when I put on my pants.

altadenahiker said...

He has been lying -- bread doesn't love me?

pasadenaadjacent said...

I went without sugar for a period of six months but only because Splenda is the next best thing...

Better keep your purse in site. I hear the wee little ones can be rather crafty when it comes to getting their pixie stix fix

Lynne said...

This was so funny! Interesting side not, I read that every time you eat sugar your immune system is temporarily weakened. So if you are eating sugar all day it really is bad for your immune system. A lot of people notice a big diffence when they cut out sugar. (Honey doesn't have the same effect so at least there's that.)

Claire1982 said...

Love this!

Has given me the motivation to do the same. I did Atkins about 3 and a bit years back, and lost loads of weight, then had two babies so have piled it all back again, and then some.

Let us know how it goes!

Shell Sherree said...

Still laughing, Margaret!! {Possible loophole: if the bread's shaped like a lobster, surely it's no longer a carb?}

... daisy... said...

Dear Margaret! Lovely post because
1. I love bread
2. I love cakes
3. I adore pasta
4. I love every thing with wheat...
PS: you know by now how much I love food... ;-)))

ScrewedUp20Something said...

Everything in moderation I say. Carbs are not evil. Carbs with 0 nutrition (ie white bread) are evil. I changed everything over to multi-grain a year ago and still enjoy sandwiches and pasta (mmmm pasta.....). And I've been a pastry cook for the past 4 months. I don't DO no sugar. I eat a little bit of the goodies but not much. This has served me well as I've lost weight over the summer and gained some nice tone in my arms from doing some light weights.

Eat the F***ing cake damnit!

Linda Dove said...



I stopped sugar for a year. I felt oodles better, but it didn't change my middle one bit. Just sayin'. There's something to metabolism.

Is there a goddess of metabolism?

Margaret said...

The backstory here is that we are trying to put my daughter on a low glycemic diet in the hopes that it will help us get better control over her seizures. And, it turns out my other daughter has some attention issues and we are not eager to rush her into medication -- although I know many people for whom it's been a godsend -- so we are trying to get her off sugar too. So I think Susan got it just right: I am giving up my great love for my true loves. (But I have a feeling I'll be cheating when they are at school, at which time I will follow Screwedup20something's advice and eat the F**ing cake.)

AH: That bread is a two-faced liar! Don't trust him as far as you can throw him, which is actually probably pretty far.

Linda: A goddess of metabolism? If there is she has shunned me my whole life.

Cafe Pasadena said...

Marg, I hope reducing the sweets helps your two sweets.

In the meantime, I will eat the carbs & bakery items on your behalf. It will mean I will have to maybe double up. It will be a sacrifice - but I'll do it as a way of honoring your sacrifice. So, you can still consider "having your cake & eating it to", through me.

Margaret said...

Oh Pup, I am honored.

Susan K said...

I got sick earlier this summer, and lost a bunch of weight and have been following it up with the low-carb routine. Which I break from time to time because, you know, life, and that fires getting to me (no walkies?!?!), and stuff. Plus, well, tonight I'll serve dinner for others and will include a carb course to accompany.

Warning: Go not to the grocery store on an empty stomach on a day when the fire gets to you and you lackest sleep from the night before, lest thou buyest and eatest the bestest baked goods evar.

gaelikaa said...

Well I have this illicit affair with all things buttery. When the kids are at school (and the husband at work!) of course!

Jean Spitzer said...

Hope this provides the desired benefits for your daughters. Good mama.

Daisy said...

LOL Margaret! We know! We know!
Barbara and Daisy

Italo said...

ahahahahahahhahahahhahahahahahahah!mARGARET YOUR ARE NUMBER 1.

armyblond said...

If you have a moment, check out my blog. There is an award waiting for you.

gaelikaa said...

Oh gosh, this piece was so funny I keep coming back to read it again and again! Margaret, your writing is addictive, so it is!

gaelikaa said...

Oh, I'm really sorry to learn that your daughter is having some medical problems. God bless her. I promise to keep her in my prayers. Both of them...

Margaret said...

gaelikaa: Glad you liked it. Thanks for your kind thoughts. My oldest daughter has epilepsy. She has for many years, but it often gets worse in adolescence, and it has in her case, so we're hoping this diet will work.

Petrea said...

More for me.


Shanna said...

Clever and well written, M.

I love your blog although I don't comment frequently.

Jane Pauline said...

This post is absolutely delicious. And yeah, I am totally with you on this one...who can lose their carbs??!!

PS: I love the way you write...

Come visit me at:


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