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How are you? I am fine. I know this is a busy time for you, but we need to talk about the children. Ok, let's call a spade a spade: the teenagers. I know they are on your naughty list. Heck, they are on my naughty list! The bickering, the moaning, the whining...and that's just when they learn what's for dinner. I'm telling you, the Cold War never ended; it just moved into my living room. Germany had the Berlin Wall; We have a blue curtain running smack down the middle of the their room. Yesterday, my fourteen-year-old banged her shoe against the kitchen table and demanded that her broccoli be shared with the collective.
I understand that it would be wrong to reward such deviancy, but, Santa, who really pays the cost when you hand out lumps of coal? The teenagers? Of course not. I pay. Me. Have you tried cleaning up coal? You might as well try to count snowflakes before they melt in your warm hand. And what about the tears running down the coal-receiving urchins' faces? Have you actually mixed tears and coal? Have you? I don't think you have. It's a fricking mess! No amount of naughty is worth that.
I'm gonna be honest with you, Santa. You're a little like a bad date. You're lots of fun as long as you get what you want, but scratch the surface and you're kind of a judgmental prick. (You ordered a second glass of wine? No dessert for you!)
Look: You made this whole consumerist frenzy, what with your little mall visits and your TV specials and your cute little reindeer songs. You did this, and so, I'm sorry, you've got to deliver.
Do the teens deserve it?
Will the teens be grateful?
Of course not.
The point shouldn't be whether or not the teens are naughty. The point should be if the mothers have been naughty. Bad mothers? Sure. Maybe they deserve a wall scrawled with coal. But you and I both know that I have been good. (Must I remind you of the Girl Scout outing to see The Three Muskateers?)
Am I saying you MUST give my children gifts? No. Am I saying you probably should give ME a gift? Yes. That being said, here is what I want.
Hugs and kisses,