4/12/12

The Modern Goddess offers advice re. Spring Break

Everyone knows that the annual festival known as "spring break" is acually a yearly reenactment of the classic Roman tale Pazzamama. In the story, Pazzamama, a sort of mother earth type, is driven insane when a horde of unruly mosquitoes suck the very life out of her and then complain about her cooking. For thousands of years, the story of Pazzamama has forced mothers to ponder whether biology really is destiny. Can one avoid becoming poor Pazzamama? Scientists have, of course, said no. They cite as evidence the humble salmon, which we now know only kills itself because the eggs inside it have spent the entire upstream journey whining about how unfair their lives are and how everyone in THE WORLD has a laptop but them, proving how their mothers actually HATE THEM. The Modern Goddess is more sanguine. She believes hope is possible. One does, however, need earphones. Do not think of them as the tribal markers of hispsters. Think of them as mental health tools. Likewise alcohol. People are quick to deride alcohol these days, but the Modern Goddess reminds you that the Romans--who ruled an entire EMPIRE--had a whole god devoted to wine, so who are we to dismiss the lessons of history. Dismissing the lessons of history would be plain arrogant. And isn't it arrogance that got you into this fricking mess? You, who said, "With my SUPERIOR PARENTING I will never have the problems of Pazzamama. Raising baby will be a joy, a snap!" Well, we've seen what's become of that, and so open a bottle already. Inevitably, spring break will devolve into a drama queen duel in which common household drama queens will battle to the death over who has more Easter candy. Still, you can rise above this by eating a platter of mashed potatoes. If mashed potatoes are lacking, try stale vegan cookies, cartons of ice cream, or whole roast pigs. A little bit of creativity will help you here. Indulge your inner anarchist. In closing, the Modern Goddess assures you that spring break, like a deadly virus, will pass. Rest assured, there are worse things, like summer vacation, which is just around the corner.

16 comments:

TheChieftess said...

HaHa!!! Wonderful description of what I would imagine to be a harrowing experience!!! Being that I've never had my own kids and was on the other side of your fence during my 18+ years in education I enjoyed a look into your week...and yet again, am oh so glad I'm retired!!!

Petrea Burchard said...

I love every fricking word of this brilliance. I'm only sorry you had to have the experience that created it. But I'm not. Because I got to read it. Straw into gold, Margaret.

Daisy said...

I'll never see the spawning salmon quite the same way again! Hang in there Margaret,

Word in the Hand said...

I guess there is the satisfaction that all this will be their's some day?

Shell Sherree said...

I never have these challenges with my cat. But what a rich opportunity I'm missing out on - this is fabulous, Margaret.

Olga said...

Well, thanks alot. I am all freaking wet now. Hysterical laughter brought tears to my eyes and I kind of peed my pants a little bit. You need a warning label on your header.

Alison said...

Hope you've had plenty of wine in the house!
Alison xx

claire said...

I am so glad our Modern Goddess has a great sense of humor!

Pasadena Adjacent said...

I'm with you Margaret - get those kids back in school.

I have a friend who teaches grade school. As soon as he concludes one vacation, he goes on FB and posts the days till the next

39 more days till summer.

Margaret said...

39 Days! The Modern Goddess will need a very big bottle of wine.

Bec said...

Love it . . . even if the reality of mothering 2 girls past preschool is a little daunting, its good to hear. It's also good to hear that I'm not alone in the earphones (and wine)-as-mental-health-tools boat. I used to feel mean when I ran with the jogging stroller and just said "uh huh" at regular intervals to my chatty girl while I was actually listening to podcasts.

Cafe Pasadena said...

"So what did you do on your spring break?"

Jean Spitzer said...

Funny, funny, funny. Thanks.

Desiree said...

Pazzamama!!! I recognize her in myself--
you had me laughing the entire way

altadenahiker said...

I know what to have on hand next time a modern goddess comes to visit.

Susan Campisi said...

You are such a clever and funny Pazzamamma. Now I'm hungry for a platter of mashed potatoes.