The Modern Goddess offers advice re. Spring Break
Everyone knows that the annual festival known as "spring break" is acually a yearly reenactment of the classic Roman tale Pazzamama. In the story, Pazzamama, a sort of mother earth type, is driven insane when a horde of unruly mosquitoes suck the very life out of her and then complain about her cooking. For thousands of years, the story of Pazzamama has forced mothers to ponder whether biology really is destiny. Can one avoid becoming poor Pazzamama? Scientists have, of course, said no. They cite as evidence the humble salmon, which we now know only kills itself because the eggs inside it have spent the entire upstream journey whining about how unfair their lives are and how everyone in THE WORLD has a laptop but them, proving how their mothers actually HATE THEM. The Modern Goddess is more sanguine. She believes hope is possible. One does, however, need earphones. Do not think of them as the tribal markers of hispsters. Think of them as mental health tools. Likewise alcohol. People are quick to deride alcohol these days, but the Modern Goddess reminds you that the Romans--who ruled an entire EMPIRE--had a whole god devoted to wine, so who are we to dismiss the lessons of history. Dismissing the lessons of history would be plain arrogant. And isn't it arrogance that got you into this fricking mess? You, who said, "With my SUPERIOR PARENTING I will never have the problems of Pazzamama. Raising baby will be a joy, a snap!" Well, we've seen what's become of that, and so open a bottle already. Inevitably, spring break will devolve into a drama queen duel in which common household drama queens will battle to the death over who has more Easter candy. Still, you can rise above this by eating a platter of mashed potatoes. If mashed potatoes are lacking, try stale vegan cookies, cartons of ice cream, or whole roast pigs. A little bit of creativity will help you here. Indulge your inner anarchist. In closing, the Modern Goddess assures you that spring break, like a deadly virus, will pass. Rest assured, there are worse things, like summer vacation, which is just around the corner.