Goddess of the Week: Artemis

Happy news!  I personally have found a solution to our nation's current financial crisis.  Since bank credit is as dry as the Los Angeles River in August, we should get money moving by borrowing it from the gods.  In particular, people looking for new or refinanced mortgages should apply directly to Artemis.

Artemis was the Greek goddess of the hunt, but she was also a dependable lender who never gave employee bonuses.  Apparently, many Greek temples, including the Temple of Artemis in Lydia, once acted as de facto banks.  They would grant mortgages at ten to twelve percent interest, and, in a praiseworthy-effort of full disclosure, they would etch the legal contract right onto the temple walls.

Now, I'm willing to concede that the religious right might disapprove, but think about it.  Who has more integrity?  Countrywide?  Or a virginal goddess who turned peeping Toms into wild animals?  Who is more trustworthy?  Washington Mutual?  Or the goddess who looks over and protects baby lambs?  Why look to bailouts when we can look to Mount Olympus?

I think the choice is obvious.  When it comes to your mortgage, choose the goddess with the rock solid foundation.*  

*Note: Certain penalties may apply.  The goddess Artemis reserves the right to turn defaulters into rodents.  She also reserves the right to have said rodents torn to shreds by her fifty faithful hounds.  In lieu of having defaulters torn to shred by hounds, Artemis may choose to have her fifty fleet-footed nymphs slaughter defaulters via a shower of arrows.  Artemis also reserves the right to feed defaulters to any-and-all wild animals, including but not limited to lions, bears, hyenas, tigers, shrew, raccoons, lemurs and snakes.