Goddess of the Week: Isis

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Tough love, smough love. A girl doesn't always want to have to be a hard ass. A girl doesn't always want to be "R-E-S-P-E-C-T find out what it means to me." Sometimes a girl wants tender love, sweet love, bring-me-flowers-and-show-me-you-love-me-by-offering-to-wash-my-dishes-and-buying-me-bling-love. And a girl wants to be understood and appreciated and admired. She wants someone to love her clever little jokes and get dizzy at the sight of her soul-penetrating gaze, sun-brightening smile, great-smelling hair and her ample hips. And is really too much to ask that that special someone also enjoy romantic comedies, shopping, Jane Austen, the Home and Garden Channel, Oprah, Norah Jones, bacon, butter, and cheese? Is it really too much, in fact, to simply want a soul mate?

Not if you're the Egyptian goddess Isis, who was the sister and lover of the god Osiris (we are not going to comment on the awkward incest references in ancient myths. Gods and goddesses have different taboos and genetic problems. We'll leave it at that.) Other gods and goddesses may have slept around, but Isis and Osiris truly were soul mates. They shared divine authority, each using his or her special gifts to bring civilization and knowledge to the people of ancient Egypt.

So far, so good. But this is a love story, so chaos must follow. Namely, the god of chaos, Seth, a jealous little prick who envied his brother Osiris and murdered him, threw him in a box and tossed him in the Nile. But Isis stood by her man. She searched and searched and did lots of magic and then she found him and she hid him and Seth found him and chopped into fourteen pieces and Isis put all the the pieces together but she couldn't find his penis so she made him one of clay and then Osiris came back to life and they had resurrection sex and Isis got pregnant but then Osiris had to go be lord of the underworld, but at least he wasn't dead, and everyone lived happily ever after. Except for Seth, who was vanquished by Isis and Osiris' son Horus and had to move downstairs to the underworld and carry Osiris on his shoulders for all eternity.

Which all goes to show: soul mates can be awesome (and there's no sex like resurrection sex), but soul mates can also be a lot of work. And you really have to ask yourself, might I be just as happy with a couple of dogs? If the answer is no, then definitely channel Isis, she'll help you find a good partner who'll probably even do your taxes for you because he'll recognize how valuable you and your time really are. If not, might I recommend this?

Daisy: this one's for you.

Need a goddess? Oh my goodness! You better let me know! I'll find you just the perfect one.