Goddess of the Week: Eostre

Tania wants a goddess for a glorious Spring. We must give her Eostre, the English (albeit originally German) goddess of spring and rebirth.

Eostre/Easter. Easter/Eostre.

Notice any similaries?

That's because the word Easter comes from Eostre, and we have Eostre to thank for all the fun stuff about Easter.

Easter bunnies? Eostre used to be carried around by a giant hare.

Easter eggs? They were one of Eostre's symbols.

New life? That's what spring is about, baby: winter ends, which means death ends, and new life begins,  as marked by the sudden proliferation of cute little animals, especially birds and bunnies.

Chocolate? Not Eostre at all. The poor English had never even imagined a little Cadbury Egg when Eostre was doing her thing since Cacao is native to South America. But, as Eostre would be the first to say, out with the old and in with the new. So eat all the chocolate you want this Easter! But just don't read this.  It will spoil the whole thing.

Goddess of the Week: Yen koang p'ou sa

Laurie needs a goddess for her eyes, and boy do I get it. My family has a long history of eye disorders, and I can tell you that anybody worried about their eyes needs Yen koang p'ou sa, the Chinese goddess of eye diseases.

Not a lot is known about Yen koang p'ou sa; she predates Buddhism. Yet despite her ancient roots, she is both modern and western in her determination to have a medical specialty. She heals eye diseases. That's it. She's not interested in your liver or your feet, just your eyes. And just so you don't get confused, she goes around carrying a big ol' eye. It's kind of her calling card.

Since I couldn't find out any more than that, I am just boldly going to call on you to make her a little altar of edible sacrifices that are full of vitamin A, which is very good for your eyes. Think: carrots, pumpkin, sweet potatoes, butternut squash, spinach, kale and cantaloupe. In other words, if it's orangey or deep green you probably can't go wrong.

Here's a little recipe to get your altar started. Get yourself some butternut squash. Make it easy: buy the precut kind. Take all those precut cubes and mix them with just a little bit of olive oil, sea salt and parsley. Put that in a 400 degree oven and roast until soft. (Every once in a while, while they are still in the oven, you will want to toss them.) You can eat them fresh from the oven, but I like to let them cool and keep them in the refrigerator for a few days. Then, you put them on top of a little salad made of lettuce and walnuts and maybe a little goat cheese. Dress with garlic, olive oil and lemon juice.

It will be good for your eyes, and it will give you that satisfying feeling that you always get when you are practicing better nutrition than your negligent dining companions.

Channel this goddess: When your eyes need a little TLC. Give them the love! Eat a carrot!

Goddess of the Week: Lady of the Beasts

Ariane is readying her house for a puppy and a kitten, both rescues. Plus, she has two teenagers! She needs a goddess who can help everyone keep the peace. She needs the Sumarian goddess known now as the Lady of the Beasts.

The Lady of the Beasts is totally ancient. She predates written history, so we don't know what she was originally called, but sculptures of her have been found in lots of your Fertile Crescent sorts of places. In most artifacts, she is either depicted with a lion or as a hybrid woman/animal. She is thought to have been the "Cosmic Creatrix," which I think means God. She is also thought to have been a figure of life and health and fertility--all that good stuff.

So I think if you are going to have three species under one roof--including two teenagers, of which I know much--I think you can't go wrong with the Lady of the Beasts. Although I would caution you to keep the teenagers in separate rooms, at least at first, and to be sure to spend some special one on one time with the kitten and the puppy; strong attachment bonds are so important.

Channel this goddess: When you have lots of animals under one roof, when thinking of getting an animal companion, when wondering whether or not to crate. (We've had bad luck; apparently, teenagers need their space.)

Need a goddess? I've got goddesses! Post a comment explaining what you need or want a goddess for. Then check back in a week or two and see what you got. It's fun! It's free! It's not nearly as soft and cuddly as a puppy or kitten, but it's better than a poke in the eye.

Goddess of the Week: Freya

Lilli is ready to dip her toes in the relationship pool; she needs a goddess of love. I am giving her the Norse goddess Freya.

Freya was basically your early Match.com. People would ask her for a lover, and she would see what she could find. She herself was loved by many, including men, giants, and dwarves, which is a good reminder that when looking for a relationship one might want to cast a wide net. Just because someone seems totally different from you doesn't mean you might not have some interesting things in common.

Freya had awesome transportation. She got to ride around on a gold-bristled boar or on a chariot pulled by two cats. This is also instructional. Freya's hot rides got her where she was going in style. If your path to love is taking you down too many pothole-ridden roads, you must ask yourself: what's with all the old Yugos blocking your path? Better to ride in comfort alone than be stuck with a balding pig.

Channel this goddess: When you are ready for a relationship or when buying a new car. Aren't they pretty much the same thing anyway?

Need a goddess? I got goddesses! Post a comment explaining what you need or want a goddess for. Then check back in a week or two and see what you got. It's fun! It's free! It's better than getting boar hair in your unmentionables.

Goddess of the Week: Venus (Or the one-minute MBA)

Petrea asked for a publishing goddess because she is preparing her novel Camelot & Vine for publication.  But I've read her novel and it is terrific, so really all she needs is a marketing goddess. I'm giving her Venus, the Roman goddess of love and beauty, for when it comes to sales, it is a sad truth that a solid product isn't always enough. You need a bit of seduction to help potential buyers bypass those twin demons of moral certitude: inertia and self restraint.

A couple millennia of patriarchy have turned Venus into a just another pretty face standing on a clam shell, but in the ancient world no one motivated people more than Venus. Every now and then a god or goddess might start a war or drive a Hercules insane, but Venus moved product every day--and it wasn't always easy! People you loved fell out of chariots and died; People you loved got the plague and died; people you loved starved/went to war/fell out of boats...and they died. It would be enough for anyone to give up on love completely, but they didn't! Why? Because Venus could sell love to people living directly under active volcanoes. Before Apple was selling iPhones, Venus was selling apples...and apples literally grew on trees.

Venus knew that sales were about three things: packaging, aspirational desires, and sex, all of which were encapsulated in one of Venus's greatest sales triumphs: Helen of Troy.

Helen of Troy, wife of king Menaleus, sparked the Trojan War when Venus promised Helen's love to the Trojan prince Paris in exchange for Paris declaring Venus the loveliest goddess of all. What helped Venus make this sale?
1. Packaging (Helen was gorgeous).
2. Aspirational desire (Helen was married to a powerful king, and, hence, if she chose Paris over Menaleus, wouldn't that make Paris more powerful?)
3. Sex. (Sex!)

So, Petrea, when you think about marketing--when you think about how you can help people overcome inertia and self restraint so that they can have something that will give them pleasure--you must think about these three things:

1. Packaging: You can sell a book by its cover, at least initially. Is your book Helen of Troy?
2. Aspirational desire: How can you convince me that your book will help me reach an aspirational place?
3. Sex: It doesn't have to be Fifty Shade of Grey, but, we do like us our romance, especially if it is aspirational. How can convey that message to me?

Finally, Venus succeeded because Venus never doubted her product. NEVER! Because she never doubted her product, because she always believed her product would enhance to lives of those who embraced it, Venus was never wishy washy or shy about promoting it. It takes a special kind of confidence to be that bold. Can you be that confident for at least a few months? What can you do that will help you succeed at that?

There you go! Do these things and your novel will find the audience it deserves. That's right! A goddess can even help you with sales!

Channel this goddess: When marketing your book or when facing other marketing or sales challenges! Go Team!

Need a goddess? I got goddesses! Post a comment explaining what you need or want a goddess for, and then check back in a week or two and see what you got! It's fun! It's free! It will make you beautiful, desirable and sexy! Oh la la!

Goddess of the Week: Ninkasi

Deb has been through a lot lately, including one very painful loss. She definitely needs a goddess. She might even need a beer. So I'm combining these needs and giving her the Sumerian goddess of beer: Ninkasi.

I know what you're thinking. You're thinking: There was a goddess of beer?  Yes! Yes, there was. One of the earliest pieces of writing EVER is a poem to Ninkasi. My ancient Sumerian is a bit rusty, but this is a rough translation:

Hymn to Ninkasi

From the land of sky blue waters,
Comes the beer refreshing.

Oh goddess,
Have you, perchance, a wedge of lime?

Why? Oh, why,
Do you fatten my thighs,
You of stars and moon and many carbs?

I will worship you with this:
Keg,
Bottle,
Can,
But never with a juice box,
for cardboard paired with tiny straws are anathema to your lips.
Surely, surely, worshipping you with a juice box
Would bring a plague upon my house for seven generations,
And rightly so.

And because Ninkasa,
Rhymes slightly-kind of-sort of with piñata,
I will also worship you on Cinco De Mayo,
And Superbowl Sunday,
And just football season in general,
And, in Germany, in the entire month of October.

And every college dormitory will be your temple,
Because that is what you demand,
And who am to argue with a goddess?

Need a goddess? I got goddesses! Post a comment explaining what you need or want a goddess for. Then check back in a week or two and see what you got! It's fun! It's free! It will not impair your driving. 

Goddess of the Week: Pasithea

IMG_4504 The Three Graces (Photo credit: Rojer)

Newly-retired Ann needs a goddess that will help her plan and enjoy her downtime. She needs the Greek goddess of relaxation, Pasithea.

There is not a lot known about Pasithea. She was one of the Charities and, like the rest of them, she hung out with Aphrodite. She was also married to Hypnos, the god of sleep. That may not be a lot of information, but it's actually tells you all you need to know: Relaxation comes from friends, love, and a good night's sleep.

If you want to plan and enjoy your downtime, therefore, it is very simple: You need to plan time for friends, love and sleep--and don't skimp on the sleep. We are a sleep-deprived nation. We've been sold a bill of goods that tells us that happiness comes from Red Bull moments and robot-like productivity. All lies! Be counter cultural: clear your calendar and go to bed early.

Channel this goddess: When feeling rushed, when overwhelmed with things to do, when you don't even remember what downtime looks like, when you just need to treat your own beloved body better.

Need a goddess: I got goddesses! Post a comment explaining what you need or want a goddess for. Then check back in a couple weeks and see what you got! It's fun! It's free! But, really, it's not worth losing sleep over.

Goddess of the Week: Kali

English: Picture of Hindu Goddess Kali. This photograph was taken during Kali Puja at Naihati, a town in West Bengal, India. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Heather needs a goddess for creativity, a goddess that will "awaken and embrace" her creative side.  Heather needs the Indian goddess of destruction and creation Kali.

Truth be told, this is one of my favorite goddesses.  She is quite terrifying. Her eyes are the color of blood, she has four arms, her tongue hangs out, and she wears a girdle of severed heads and a necklace of skulls.

Kali destroys the old, which can sort of seem like a drag, but she destroys the old so that she can usher in the new.  Alas, to awaken your creativity, you are going to have to kill something off.  What do you need to kill off? Do you have to kill off a streak of perfectionism? How about the KFCK radio that keeps looping in your brain? How about the errands and obligations in your life? Those are harder. I'm sorry. You may not be able to kill those off. But can you massage them?  A personal coach I know recommends asking yourself "How/So" questions like this: How can I do all the things I need to do so that I can still find time to write/draw/square dance?  How can I earn enough money so that I can afford to rent a studio/Italian villa/Ewan McGregor?  She says that when you parse the world into How/So questions instead of either/or statements the universe sort of rearranges itself for you.  But what a is a How/So question but another way of channeling Kali, another way of telling yourself that to be the creative person you want to be (indeed, that you are) you need to let go of the thing or things that are holding you back? Bottom line: before you can awaken anything, you need to clean out your bed!

Channel this goddess: When feeling stuck creatively, when feeling ennui, when cleaning the garage, when you think you are becoming a hoarder.  Hint: creativity often gets stifled by clutter, which I can say without the smugness of the overly neat but with the experience of the desk clutterer.  

Need a goddess? I got goddesses! Post a comment explaining what you need or want a goddess for. I'll do my best! Promise!  

Goddess of the Week: Laetitia

Image via Wikipedia

Claire asks for a goddess of Joy. For her, I have Laetitia, Roman goddess of joy.

Laetitia was a patron of these once-in-a-lifetime games they used to have in Rome. They only occurred once-in-a-lifetime because they only occurred when things in Rome had really gone to hell. Literally. They were meant to appease pissed off underworld gods who, for whatever reason, deemed fit to shower Rome in plagues.

The games themselves were typical Roman excess. You had your Coliseum gladiator dudes. You had your bacchanalias. It was a wild scene -- not one's typical response to gloom and doom. But that's what you gotta love about Laetitia. In the face of disaster, Laetitia says, "There is still joy. There is still life. Embrace it while you can." Or, as that great philosopher Belinda Carlisle says, "Can't stop the world; Why let it stop you?"

None of this is to say that we should live in that happy place I like to frequent called Denial. No. Laetitia says just the opposite. She says that even in the face of heartbreak and fear -- especially in the face of heartbreak and fear -- one must not hide. One must don a short little gladiator skirt and go out like Russell Crowe! Alternatively, one can run drunk through the streets of Rome. Ah. But at least you'll have been to Rome.

Channel this goddess: When blessed with joy, when lacking joy. No need to go all Bacchanalian either. Just broaden your viewfinder. You'll see her.

Need a goddess: I got goddesses! Post a comment and tell me what you need or just want to know about. I'll see what I can do.

Goddess of the Week: Isis

Image via Wikipedia

Tough love, smough love. A girl doesn't always want to have to be a hard ass. A girl doesn't always want to be "R-E-S-P-E-C-T find out what it means to me." Sometimes a girl wants tender love, sweet love, bring-me-flowers-and-show-me-you-love-me-by-offering-to-wash-my-dishes-and-buying-me-bling-love. And a girl wants to be understood and appreciated and admired. She wants someone to love her clever little jokes and get dizzy at the sight of her soul-penetrating gaze, sun-brightening smile, great-smelling hair and her ample hips. And is really too much to ask that that special someone also enjoy romantic comedies, shopping, Jane Austen, the Home and Garden Channel, Oprah, Norah Jones, bacon, butter, and cheese? Is it really too much, in fact, to simply want a soul mate?

Not if you're the Egyptian goddess Isis, who was the sister and lover of the god Osiris (we are not going to comment on the awkward incest references in ancient myths. Gods and goddesses have different taboos and genetic problems. We'll leave it at that.) Other gods and goddesses may have slept around, but Isis and Osiris truly were soul mates. They shared divine authority, each using his or her special gifts to bring civilization and knowledge to the people of ancient Egypt.

So far, so good. But this is a love story, so chaos must follow. Namely, the god of chaos, Seth, a jealous little prick who envied his brother Osiris and murdered him, threw him in a box and tossed him in the Nile. But Isis stood by her man. She searched and searched and did lots of magic and then she found him and she hid him and Seth found him and chopped into fourteen pieces and Isis put all the the pieces together but she couldn't find his penis so she made him one of clay and then Osiris came back to life and they had resurrection sex and Isis got pregnant but then Osiris had to go be lord of the underworld, but at least he wasn't dead, and everyone lived happily ever after. Except for Seth, who was vanquished by Isis and Osiris' son Horus and had to move downstairs to the underworld and carry Osiris on his shoulders for all eternity.

Which all goes to show: soul mates can be awesome (and there's no sex like resurrection sex), but soul mates can also be a lot of work. And you really have to ask yourself, might I be just as happy with a couple of dogs? If the answer is no, then definitely channel Isis, she'll help you find a good partner who'll probably even do your taxes for you because he'll recognize how valuable you and your time really are. If not, might I recommend this?

Daisy: this one's for you.

Need a goddess? Oh my goodness! You better let me know! I'll find you just the perfect one.

Goddess of the Week: Philophrosyne

Image via Wikipedia

How's your social life? Things going well for you? Are your friends supportive and lively? No? Are they difficult and pedantic? Do they complain? Do they borrow your money? Your clothes? Your car? Oh, no. That doesn't sound good at all. Or perhaps your situation is changing. Perhaps you are moving on in your life, changing locales, jobs, schools, prisons. Whether you need to jettison old friends because they are dragging you down or find new ones because your life is changing, the goddess for you is Philophrosyne.

Philophrosyne is the Greek goddess of friendliness, kindness and welcome. She is one of the Sraces, a group of goddess sisters who went around ancient Greece encouraging hospitality. For her part, Philophrosyne basically invented those tea sandwiches that everyone likes and that are always an appropriate addition to any potluck or party. She also invented hostess gifts, friendship bracelets and pinkie promises.

Philophrosyne reminds us that while we cannot always choose the people who surround us, we can choose how we act among them. By bringing friendliness, kindness and welcome to any social situation we can, hopefully, encourage such qualities in others. Alas, it is true that sometimes our good social graces are met with rudeness, stupidity, pig-headedness, general uncouthness, and even boorish arrogance and bad taste, in which case forbearance, tolerance, and good humor will perhaps prove even more worthwhile than friendliness, kindness and welcome. But still, in the immortal words of Frank Burns "It's nice to be nice to the nice."

Philophrosyne also reminds us that we have the right to expect friendliness, kindness and welcome from our friends. If the people we choose to spend our time with do not possess such qualities, perhaps they are not very good friends, and perhaps it is time to seek new ones.

Channel this goddess: when interacting with the world at large. Everyone deserves to see the best side of you, including the very rude woman who looks like she's been sucking lemons at your dentist's office. Also channel this goddess when hosting a lovely picnic in the hills, when meeting friends for cocktails, and when learning to co-exist with a new roommate or difficult neighbor. (You can also invite Philophrosyne to brush a little friendly powder on the less-pleasant people you know.)

Kate: This one is for you.