Goddess of the Week: Laetitia

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Claire asks for a goddess of Joy. For her, I have Laetitia, Roman goddess of joy.

Laetitia was a patron of these once-in-a-lifetime games they used to have in Rome. They only occurred once-in-a-lifetime because they only occurred when things in Rome had really gone to hell. Literally. They were meant to appease pissed off underworld gods who, for whatever reason, deemed fit to shower Rome in plagues.

The games themselves were typical Roman excess. You had your Coliseum gladiator dudes. You had your bacchanalias. It was a wild scene -- not one's typical response to gloom and doom. But that's what you gotta love about Laetitia. In the face of disaster, Laetitia says, "There is still joy. There is still life. Embrace it while you can." Or, as that great philosopher Belinda Carlisle says, "Can't stop the world; Why let it stop you?"

None of this is to say that we should live in that happy place I like to frequent called Denial. No. Laetitia says just the opposite. She says that even in the face of heartbreak and fear -- especially in the face of heartbreak and fear -- one must not hide. One must don a short little gladiator skirt and go out like Russell Crowe! Alternatively, one can run drunk through the streets of Rome. Ah. But at least you'll have been to Rome.

Channel this goddess: When blessed with joy, when lacking joy. No need to go all Bacchanalian either. Just broaden your viewfinder. You'll see her.

Need a goddess: I got goddesses! Post a comment and tell me what you need or just want to know about. I'll see what I can do.

Weekend Update

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Love my Girl Scouts! We had a great time camping, and it ended perfectly: With me dreaming of George Clooney and saying to him, "Every problem you have in the world is because you are so good looking." (And he's not even one of my secret boyfriends.)

New goddess on Wednesday!

Scary Weekend

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Three words to strike terror in your hearts: Girl Scout Camping.

Did I mention we will be in tents?

Did I mention there will be neither cable nor wine, but that we will be swimming in hairbrushes?

Pray for me.

P.S: I have another short story up here, and by short, I mean blink your eyes and you'll miss it.

Goddess of the Week: Lakshmi

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Carrie needs a real estate goddess, a goddess who can help her deal with all of the stresses of buying a home. Ok, Carrie. I was torn here. I was tempted to throw you Hestia, the goddess of the hearth, but we just did her. Read here. Instead, I'm recommending Lakshmi, the Indian goddess of wealth and prosperity who also looks out for family well-being.

You know how you can churn cream to get butter? Well, this one time, the gods decided to churn the cosmic ocean to get all the good stuff hidden inside. They used a mountain and a snake to do the churning, and it took them one hundred years, and they did get lots of good stuff, and one of the good things that just popped out of the cosmic ocean was Lakshmi. She was all golden and she had four arms and money just sprouted out of her fingertips, and wherever she went things turned out awesome.

The god Vishnu took one look at her and he was all, "Hey, baby. How you doing?" She married him, but the demons were totally pissed because she was all golden and had four arms and money sprouted out of her fingertips. So they always tried to catch her -- and sometimes they did, and sometimes they do, but no one can hold onto Lakshmi for very long. She's slippery that way. But while she is hard to catch, a few "Hey, babies" work. Lakshmi is actually very willing to hang out with you -- for a while -- if you treat her nice and aren't a jerk, which is why she is one of the most worshipped goddesses in India, where family altars for her are common.

The point being, when buying a home, you need to throw Lakshmi some sugar. Do that, and she will reveal to you the immortal truth churned out of the cosmic ocean alongside her: When investing in real estate, remember: Location, location, location. Plus, check out the neighbors. Good neighbors are priceless.

Good luck.

Need a goddess: I got goddesses! Post a comment detailing your need. I'll see what I can find.

Waiting...waiting

Durn. The children are actually expecting to be amused this spring break. The goddesses must take a holiday.

While you're waiting, please enjoy the following pics from the National Walk for Epilepsy in Washington DC.

Did you know over three million American have epilepsy? Did you know that more Americans have epilepsy than MS and Parkinson's combined? Did you know that over thirty percent of people with seizure disorders continue to experience seizures even when they are on medication? Did you know that you have a one in ten chance of experiencing a seizure sometime during your life?

Did you know that people with epilepsy look just like you? They have dreams just like you. They have families just like you. They could be you.

If you've never seen your child lost in a seizure, count your blessings. If you have, you're in good company. So did the parents of Julius Caesar, Alexander the Great, Leonardo Di Vinci, Napoleon, Theodore Roosevelt, Agatha Christie, Sherman Alexie, Karen Armstrong, and Tony Coelho. I could go on, but the natives are restless. Actually, they're asleep. I'm the one who's restless.

Goddess of the Week: Porcina

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The truth is, this goddess tale is a repeat, but I think you'll like it.

Not much is known about the goddess Porcina, who was worshipped by the mysterious pig-herding Urdian people, and none of what is known about Porcina comes from the Urdians themselves. The Urdians had no written language. But, as fierce, war-loving people, they did have plenty of enemies, including the ancient Babylonians, who ultimately crushed their civilization.

Alas, the Urdians' loss was posterity's gain because the Babylonians kept records. It's because of them that we know anything at all about Porcina, who they described as portly, pasty and strangely hirsute. She is said to have given the Urdians the pig. And she even told them what to do with it. Says an incomplete Babylonian fragment found near an ancient cooking pit: "And so the Urdians took the beast's back, as Porcina demanded, and butchered it from the shoulder to the rear leg. And this meat they did slice into long strips, which they cooked long and at medium-high heat until there was no pink. For the goddess said, 'he who eats of the pink strips will surely die.'"

The ancient Jews were also enemies of the Urdians, and it is speculated that the the Jewish ban on pork is in direct response to the famous battle at Jeridia, where the Urdians catapaulted flaming dead pigs into that beloved walled city, where the Jews had been trapped, starving, for two months. As the book of Leviticus describes it, "The pigs came and they came, and Josiva said, "Why, God, dost though tempt us with the cloven foot that smells so delicious as it burneth down the temple? Has though forgotten us entirely? But no, we will not surrender. For surely our God is a great God, and we will show our foul enemies that we will smote them down. We will not eat of the cloven hoof, no matter how loud it sizzles and doth makes our stomachs moan as we consume, instead, locusts and crickets and all manner of abhorent grub."

Channel this goddess: When anxious to please overnight guests with an Atkins-happy diet, also on Easter (just around the corner!) when eating of the pig is always recommended, also when making Bacon Explosion or whenever you just need a little help whipping up the cloven footed.

Love Ya

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Ack! I've been tagged. Is it contagious? Stacey at the fabulous Entropified challenges me to say ten things I love.

Hmmm. Must try and impress you with my unique and charming ways. The only problem is that you probably already know my unique and charming ways. They are in limited supply, after all. What don't you know? Maybe that I love:

1. Mondays, when all my beloveds go back to work and school and leave me in peace.

2. Clogs. They're just so darn comfortable, and they have their own dance!

3. Dafodils. Have you seen a more resilient flower? Rain smacks them down. Out comes the sun and -- pop -- they're straight as flag poles.

4. People who intuitively recognize the unique genius of my children. Diamonds in the rough, people. Diamonds in the rough. If you can't see that you're blind.

5. Pajamagrams. Psych! Got one for Valentine's Day, thank you very much.

6. Soup in the winter. Salad in the summer. Enough said.

7. People who make me laugh. Like her and her.

8. Scripps College. My wonderful alma mater. Almost everything good in my adult life took root there.

9. Rescue dogs. They are dogs that you rescue and -- sniff -- who always end up rescuing you.

10. My marriage. I got lucky. (See 5 and 8.)

Goddess of the Week: Devi

Cafe Pasadena wants to know if there is one all purpose, multi-function goddess. Who can blame him? The good thing about monotheism is that it streamlines the whole worship process. There's no this temple for love, that temple for war, this sacrifice to the hearth goddess, that sacrifice to the lava goddess. Monotheism is like the supermarket -- it just makes things easier -- and the supermarket of goddesses is the Hindu goddess Devi.

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Devi is kind of like Plastic man. She can look however she wants. By doing so, she can be whatever kind of goddess you need. She can have ten arms and be the goddess Durga if you need a warrior. She can have blood-red eyes and be Kali if you need some destruction and/or rebirth. She can put on a party dress and look all June Cleaver if you need Parvati, the good mom. I could go on and on. She can become your water goddess, your wealth goddess, your boons goddess, your compassion goddess. You could channel any of these manifestations of Devi, or you could just go straight to Devi and channel her. It just depends upon your need.

Let's say, for example, you need cash. The manifestation of Devi you need would be Lakshmi. Shibang. Channel her. But let's say you're a fricking mess. Not only do you need cash, but you need to be nice to your kid who everybody is teasing, you need to kick some butt with the administration of her school because they're doing nothing about it, you need to find your kid a new school so that she can have a fresh start, and, to top it all off, your toilet is overflowing. In that case, you can straight-up channel Devi. (Then, for godsake, get yourself some wine because you need a fricking drink.)

Devi reminds us that we, too, are more than the sum of our parts. We may be daughters, partners, mothers, workers, lushes -- we may be many things. But, always, we are fricking Helen Reddy Women! Hear us roar! And don't be messing with our blood-red bent on destruction eyes. Out of them, whole worlds are born.

Channel this goddess: when a piece-meal goddess just won't do, when you need the whole package to save your flipping mind. Also, when multi-tasking.

Need a goddess: I got goddesses! Post a request and I'll see what I can do.

Also: You might want to read my thoroughly ungoddess-related opinion essay in today's Pasadena Star News.

More Joyology

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Sending you this joy cocktail for the weekend:

1. Start with one visit to the multiplex to see "Ghost Writer," the political thriller starring secret boyfriend number two, Ewan McGregor. Writers, in particular, will like this one, but so will anyone who'll enjoy a wee flash of Ewan's butt -- just a flash though, he's pretty busy escaping bad guys, solving intrigue, and looking perplexed.

2. Add a friend. You could bring your husband, boyfriend, etc. But ask yourself: will said friend appreciate Ewan's butt? If not, maybe one of the girls is a more worthy choice.

3. Sneak in food. I recommend the chocolate See's eggs you're saving for your children. (Childhood obesity is on the rise, after all. You'll be doing them a favor.) It really doesn't matter what you bring, however, as long as you can be filled with the earnest glow of knowing you're sticking it too the man, who, after all, totally tries to stick it to you with gazillion dollar popcorn.

4. If you can add a twist of free parking or found money, so much the better.

Mix together and enjoy.

On a budget? We're sending our children to private school next year so I can relate. Here's a worthy alternate, but you have to like Star Wars.

Goddess of the Week: Elpis

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Missy AKA Little Messy Missy asks for a goddess to "brighten or uplift one's spirit or mood." For her, we have another Greek one: Elpis, goddess of hope.

This story starts with fire. Prometheus gave it to humanity just to be nice, but Zeus was all, "No way! I never said they could have fire. Now they will suffer!"

So Zeus gets all the gods together to make the first woman: Pandora. (Her name is often translated to mean all-gifted because each god gave her a gift.) Pandora goes down to earth with this box -- really a jar. She opens the box and -- wham -- disease, pestilence, blah, blah, blah jump out and ravage us forever. Pandora puts the lid back on the jar and traps the one thing left: Elpis -- goddess of hope.

Now, let me tell you why I don't like this story. First of all, let's blame the victim! Humanity didn't ask for fire, but Zeus still took Prometheus's sin out on us. Totally unfair. Two, Let's blame the woman. Sure, she'll open the stupid jar. Everything's her fault! Three, what's with leaving hope in the jar? Does that mean hope's a prisoner in the jar and we have no hope? Does that mean hope was the last BAD thing left in the jar and hope is a bad thing? Is hope a good thing and can come and go from the jar? And what's up with a goddess being stuck in a jar in the first place? You can't stick gods in jars. They're not like lightening bugs. They'd totally shatter the jar and stick the pieces up your nose.

So, no. I don't buy it. Revisionist history all the way. (If you don't believe me read this.)

Here's what really happened, and here is why Missy AKA Little Messy Missy can trust in Elpis.

Pandora isn't made by the gods. She is the god. In fact, she is the Great Goddess, Mother Earth. Her name doesn't mean "all-gifted"; it means "all giving." She created life, and she reminds of this every year by giving us spring. Her jar isn't full of evil; it's full of blessings: renewal, beauty, love, life itself. It is these blessings she gives to humanity. Alas, as beautiful as these blessings are, they do indeed flee from us. We lose the people we love. Our beauty fades. Our bodies get weak. We die. These blessings are transitory because the greatest blessing we will ever know -- our own wonderful life -- is transitory. Only one blessing can spring eternal: hope.

Elpis stays in the jar so that hope can be given to us over and over again. When we despair, when we are depressed -- even when we are dying -- Elpis points us toward the light. Elpis tells us that in a world of constant change, we can have faith that the bad things change too, that things get better, that good news is possible. If Elpis can't lighten our moods, what can?

Channel this goddess: when you're feeling down, when blessings seem few, and when no one will publish your very superior novel.

Need a goddess: I got goddesses! Post a comment telling me what you need or would just like to know about, and I'll see what I can do.